Well, not really...but we do have a lull in the action around here. I went for routine bloodwork and had my standard list of 50 questions for Dr. Clark/triage nurse. I will not start on the next regimen of chemo until Dr. Clark sees me. That's one question answered. The next question that plagues me most all of the time...ok, all of the time. Is my cancer in remission? did I have enough chemo already? And above all else, is there anyway for ANYONE to be able to answer this question...as my CEA levels have been normal from day one. Prior to surgery and to this very moment. The answer to that question - unanswerable. The triage nurse said be careful what you ask for (I mentioned just a slight rise in my CEA then it could return to normal....."don't put that out into the universe", she replied. There is one way: bone marrow testing. Well, that's pretty intense. I am, starting today, working on my mind. I cannot have an answer - don't ask. I am one of the few that this question cannot be answered. They are following me very closely; there is a scan scheduled the first part of August. Time to lay some things down and pick up the plow and move ahead. This moves me into the land of total trust - trusting God completely (however this all works out) and trusting my physical body to people who deal with these things daily.
I'm reading a book, "Talking in the Dark: Praying When Life Doesn't Make Sense. I personally think this book is Life. If your life makes sense, you'd better look again. We are Christians and this life is never going make a lot of sense.
"God alone is the ONLY One in Whom we can put our trust when we are uncertain about the way." (david mckenna). I also appreciate what he said about"isometric prayer"....'sometimes our prayers are like pushing against something that will not budge. It builds our spiritual muscles.' I love word pictures and this one fits so well. I read that right before I heard the 'word' on my inability to know exactly what is going on. I so like paperwork; statistics (though I am not a statistician by any means), I love answers. I can always work with anything - accept anything - if there is an answer. That is not happening. God is holding out his hand; follow me and trust me. Just call me Peter. This is the next step out on the water.
The walkers....Jim and I last fall. (photo by Molly). We've had many long and sweet walks. : )
2 comments:
Good writings, good thouhts, and a great picture at the end. Mike
Hey Kathryn, Jim and Molly,
I enjoyed reading your blog. Thank you and God for it's blessings. You are using your gifts for others.
Love Philip & Brenda
Post a Comment