The Albuquerque International Balloon Fiesta kicks off next weekend. Without fail, a balloon or two or three flies over our house. I've scared more than a few balloonists, running out in my robe and my hair sticking in many directions. It is great fun - even at the crack of dawn. And no, I do not have any inclination of going up in a hot air balloon. I prefer to eat breakfast burritos and cinnamon rolls - still in awe of these large balloons, sail off into the morning splendor. It's a day you are like a kid again. It's magic!
For me, there has been some empty space around here. Time has been full for many years and that has now shifted. When I was on the first two rounds of chemo, it robbed me of time; I had no concept of time. I only wanted to be able to eat and be somewhat mobile and independent. Eventually this summer, those things were reduced a great deal. So many people helped me. Cooked for us, drove us places, sent wonderful notes of encouragement and called and made me laugh. Now that I'm on round 3 of chemo, I've felt better but am not quite back to my regular life. I'm very grateful to be up most of the time and being able to do things I enjoy. However, my feet/hands bother me a great deal of the time. I dreamed last night my fee turned a dark black/purple - and were so very swollen. They looked like those big animal house shoes. I had forgotten to ask for a drug that helps with these symptoms at my appointment yesterday - my night was invaded by weird dreams - focusing on "that" drug"
Saturday, I begin on 1500mg and 2 wks from Saturday, I will take 2000 mg.
7 days on/7 days off. At that rate, I will finish chemo on January 8. That will be a FULL day of celebration. My niece will be getting married and I will have completed 7 or 8 months of chemo (depending how you count).
So on those good days, when I'm not sure what I should be doing; resting and focusing on getting well - which seems boring and mundane. It is important work. Just in a different way. It is internal work right. I like that external work and I do what I can - for it feels so good. I like to see someone accomplished.
This period of time has taught me to slow down (it's ok), to meditate, (it's healing and restorative), to listen to good music that heals my mind and soul. To think without doing 40 other things at one time. For the first time in my life, I've actually done one thing at a time. Even reading books is quite different now. I couldn't read for some time and it's a gift to be able to grasp words of an author and let them sink into my mind - thinking and enjoying their writing.
I found this in the book of common prayer (thanks to another author).
"And if I am to do nothing, let me do it gallantly."
--Book of Common Prayer
It is most appropriate and perhaps I will never rise to the level of being gallant, I hope to do this with some measure of Grace.
I am still focused on "today" and what "today" brings. But at this point in the race, I can see the finish line approaching. I'm looking forward to once again being a part of the bigger picture of living. Dare I say, normal?!? (who me?)
I've been treated like royalty; good drs, good nurses, incredible people at the cancer unit at Presbyterian Hospital. I've been a "strange case" yet they have fought valiantly for me. That's very humbling and very much appreciated.
God works in very mysterious ways. I am more often than not, questioning Him. Where he is and what he is doing and is that "enough". I have a hunch reading through the Old and New Testament, many people had those same questions. I know they did. I'm presently reading and listening to Job. This same God is one of power beyond our capability to grasp and his compassion and tenderness still grabs me by the heart. Job hung in there, never cursing or denouncing God. Job's losses are almost beyond comprehension. God's restoration brings tears to my eyes. God is the God of restoration - in bringing rain to a dry part of the country, in redeeming our time, healing our bodies and deep hurts and restoring relationships with one another.
love and goodnight, kathryn