For the first time since diagnosis - I have a 2 week break from blood work. I will go back on the 3rd week and then 3 weeks after that. I have a couple of tests and waiting for one test result. All of my blood work looks good. Fatigue is ongoing; more intense than it really was when I was on treatment. It's hard work getting all of these blood cells to wake up and get moving again. Chemo affects everything from A to Z and things I have no clue about.
Changes. Life's constant. My favorite receptionist has left the center. I will miss her terribly. She's been on the front lines - such encouragement and my own personal cheerleader (me and 500 others). She is missed.
I ran into my first nurse. She too has moved to another department - it was great to see Marcia again. She was the bright spot on those early Tuesday's last winter/spring.
Feeling a little unsteady as I step out of the boat. Everyone who walks into the doors at the cancer center as a patient, looks ahead to the time they will cut back on visits, but when it happens, it is like climbing the ladder to the high dive. You decide you're going up, to prove to yourself you are brave, big and tough and yet each step up, the lump in your throat gets bigger as your mouth gets drier. Then "whoosh" you're off the board. The big "gulp" turns into a big smile, 'whew, made it'.
Now, to move even further ahead, get my legs under me again, turn the fatigue monitor to off and again, learn to live in the moment. Second guessing is part of life with cancer. I believe it takes a full year to believe you have been diagnosed - this year will be a good year to accept it and take as many giant steps forward as I can; when I can.
Good evening!
love kathryn
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Friday, January 21, 2011
By the way...
Theses roses are for you - for Valentine's Day - for loving me and supporting my family. You, like their incredible fragrance, wafts through cyberspace. Close you eyes and take a whiff or two. I love you!
kathryn
kathryn
Thursday, January 20, 2011
I Was Born Under Wandering Star.....
Jesus said
present time
is where you live your life
heart open
each moment
no past — future worry — just
loving in the now.
~Ann Freeman Price
It took a little thing like cancer to drive me right into the moment. Now. Today. This hour, this next 30 minutes. This minute as I drink a cup of coffee.
Those who know me very well, know the desert is not my 'cup of tea'. I would much rather see the Atlantic or the Pacific out my rear view window. Then turning to drive for miles through large trees whose branches whisper hello as they are bent and waving their lush branches, meandering through, coming out on the other side to find a rich, green valley, a white church, country store and some picket fences along the road.
A few days ago, I went to a doctor's appointment on the West Mesa. The day was as clear as glass. The cottonwood trees that live by the river do not drop all of their leaves in the winter. They were this color of golden, burnt sienna (thanks for years with Crayons). The sun gave them a brilliance that was almost as blinding to the eye as they are in the fall, as they turn that shocking shade of yellow. The water in the Rio Grande doesn't not roar down, it doesn't necessarily run, it simply meanders in it's own sweet time - the little water that there may be. Live in the moment.
Every "clip" that ran through my mind was a reminder of time and how we are rushing about; forgetting to remember to live 'right now'....to enjoy shriveled up leaves on winter trees, to see if there is any water charting its path downstream, to look up and see a gaggle of crows (is that a gaggle?) rummaging through someones backyard, working for their dinner.
Mom sent me the family photos. Talk about taking a slow stroll through the past. This kind of strolling is good for your soul. You think of those who have left such a mark on your life. Those you do not know, but you know someone did and they left an impression on my parents lives. I made up a small box of Leah's pictures, as I am doing for the rest of my siblings, nieces and nephews. It was great fun to remember them as babies and toddlers. Memories are fun to pull out of an old photo album. However, to live there; to want to go back to the past is impossible and not good. We remember those things of the past, but we move into today and find reasons for joy, time to praise God for this new day, for good times. To look around our homes and thank God for all we have 'right here, right now'. O! this has been a lesson for me like no other lesson that has come my way. To learn to be content. In those areas of life that are less than satisfactory; to accept that God is walking with me in his time. Sometimes I'm slow and he never runs ahead. He just keeps time. I think Johnny Cash wrote a song on "rhythm"...faded memory (if I'm wrong, correct me). I think today is a day of listening and experiencing the rhythm of living.
God bless and keep my friends, Lisa, Jeff, Lori and Johnny, fiance' to Lori, caregiver and dear friend of the Sanders' family. Mr. Sanders graduated from this life this week. Our hearts and thoughts are with them continually.
Now to be a little Robin Williams: Carpe Diem!!!
love you kathryn
present time
is where you live your life
heart open
each moment
no past — future worry — just
loving in the now.
~Ann Freeman Price
It took a little thing like cancer to drive me right into the moment. Now. Today. This hour, this next 30 minutes. This minute as I drink a cup of coffee.
Those who know me very well, know the desert is not my 'cup of tea'. I would much rather see the Atlantic or the Pacific out my rear view window. Then turning to drive for miles through large trees whose branches whisper hello as they are bent and waving their lush branches, meandering through, coming out on the other side to find a rich, green valley, a white church, country store and some picket fences along the road.
A few days ago, I went to a doctor's appointment on the West Mesa. The day was as clear as glass. The cottonwood trees that live by the river do not drop all of their leaves in the winter. They were this color of golden, burnt sienna (thanks for years with Crayons). The sun gave them a brilliance that was almost as blinding to the eye as they are in the fall, as they turn that shocking shade of yellow. The water in the Rio Grande doesn't not roar down, it doesn't necessarily run, it simply meanders in it's own sweet time - the little water that there may be. Live in the moment.
Every "clip" that ran through my mind was a reminder of time and how we are rushing about; forgetting to remember to live 'right now'....to enjoy shriveled up leaves on winter trees, to see if there is any water charting its path downstream, to look up and see a gaggle of crows (is that a gaggle?) rummaging through someones backyard, working for their dinner.
Mom sent me the family photos. Talk about taking a slow stroll through the past. This kind of strolling is good for your soul. You think of those who have left such a mark on your life. Those you do not know, but you know someone did and they left an impression on my parents lives. I made up a small box of Leah's pictures, as I am doing for the rest of my siblings, nieces and nephews. It was great fun to remember them as babies and toddlers. Memories are fun to pull out of an old photo album. However, to live there; to want to go back to the past is impossible and not good. We remember those things of the past, but we move into today and find reasons for joy, time to praise God for this new day, for good times. To look around our homes and thank God for all we have 'right here, right now'. O! this has been a lesson for me like no other lesson that has come my way. To learn to be content. In those areas of life that are less than satisfactory; to accept that God is walking with me in his time. Sometimes I'm slow and he never runs ahead. He just keeps time. I think Johnny Cash wrote a song on "rhythm"...faded memory (if I'm wrong, correct me). I think today is a day of listening and experiencing the rhythm of living.
God bless and keep my friends, Lisa, Jeff, Lori and Johnny, fiance' to Lori, caregiver and dear friend of the Sanders' family. Mr. Sanders graduated from this life this week. Our hearts and thoughts are with them continually.
Now to be a little Robin Williams: Carpe Diem!!!
love you kathryn
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