Just On My Mind: From the What It's Worth Dept.

My nighttime dreams have been of the shattered variety.  Dreaming of a friend who provides daily care for a mother - a lonely and tiring job but one she fills tirelessly with love and tendercare.  A phone call came from her about an hour ago, hospice has said her mother does not have long to live on this side of heaven. Tears flow easily and the hurt of losing her mother weighs on her entire body. We have known one another so long, we stand together in this passing hour. How hard it will be when that time arrives. How wonderful it will be when her mother is reunited with her family again.  I'm dreaming of a family who is struggling with a future; dreaming of a place with doors that lead out and not in.  Dreams without connections to anything in particular; jumbled and speeding through my brain - like a night train from the past.  I wake wondering what these dreams are working out in me.  There is a great deal of processing is going on inside this mind of mine.

Going back a couple of weeks.  Jack, Jim's brother brought fresh coffee beans.  I pulled out the coffee grinder, filled the container with beans and hit the start button.  Nothing. I finally found that the piece that turns on the grinder was no longer working.  I jiggled the beans around and pressed the start button.  Beans went flying everywhere.  Surprise!  I had forgotten to put the lid back on.  Beans half ground beans plus very fine grounds had flown everywhere around me.  I took a picture of the mess on the counter and the floor and laughed while cleaning up the mess.  I looked at that picture later on and felt a very close kinship to it.
My life.
Parts of me are whole, but scattered.  Parts of me are in pieces, half broken - the rest of me is a great mess -  laying on the counter and all over the floor; waiting to be brushed into the dust pan to be tossed in the trash
Like those grounds, we've been ground into the dirt as if our lives have no worth or value.  Simply something to be ground into the soil by the heel of someones boot. 
Friends and their families are suffering losses; unkind words being dished out on facebook accounts with little or no regard for others.  Half truths and lies, how easy it is to swipe at others via the internet.   Others are using their accounts as a way to avenge wrongs they feel have been perpetrated on them.  Interpersonal relationships are dying.  In the past we have felt anger and frustration with others - and have lashed out - face to face.  But the feeling of speaking "our minds" face to face was not easy nor was there any satisfaction in our anger.  Most of the time, it brought us back 'to ourselves' and we needed to make amends. The way to mend was by speaking face to face,  by picking up a telephone or writing a long letter.   Writing, in particular, provided an outlet to express our hearts longing for healing.  Written words were turned over and over until we found what we felt was just the right word or phrase.  It took time and effort on both sides to build bridges back to one another.
 This is a rare event in our day. If we do not like what someone has said to us,we cut them off of our email account or deny them access a FB account or ignore their calls on our cell phones.  The destruction of relationships continue.  Some are slicing the air with their swords only to find there is no one fighting them on the 'other side' - but the fighting words continue.  We are eating one another up - alive.
It is frightening sometimes to write on this blog of mine.  It's an easy place to hide and not reveal the hours that I struggle with.  I do not believe you or I need to reveal every inner thought (speaking of frightening).  Many things are better left unspoken.  You cannot see my face, you only read words that are flat, there is not the normal give and take in a face to face conversation.  There is not a person standing across from me praying for me to be wise in my words.  Most of all - there is no way  for me to assess how words are being taken.

Proverbs 10:19  When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise.

God said, Love One Another and forgive one another as I have forgiven you.

This has been tossed out the window without a thought or a care.

This is weighing on my heart.  It has been weighing on my heart for a long time.  Who doesn't speak of the refiner's fire working in their lives.  I know it this fire is working deep in my life. 
There is deep hurt and yet I am finding deeper trust and faith that God is real and is the keeper of promises and sings over us in the night especially when our hearts are troubled and the darkness overwhelms.  
To lighten this up - here is one photo of the spilling of the beans!  To bad you could not see the floor - it was covered.  Thanks Jack for the coffee.  ; )

i love you, kathryn