Musings From A Late Fall Day.....

Me, The Weenie and Scout are snuggling under a pile of blankets this morning.  The sun is out and the winds are up a bit early today.  I am not ready to give up sandals...I usually wait at least until the first and second snowfall to give in to shoes.  I've bought 3 pair of shoes in the past couple of weeks.  Two have been returned.  The last pair I chose may find themselves back among their friends at the shoe store.  Perhaps another pair of Converse is waiting for me : )
I saw Dr. Clark yesterday.  He counted, recounted and counted again the number of treatments I have had since March 16.  During the month of November I will move up to 3000mg of Xeloda and will finally - 9 months and a "little summer vacation" later,  finish my chemo regimen. 
Yes, there will be a lot of follow up appointments and tests, but I will not have to take anymore rat poison.
Since I already wrote my "final report" - I respectfully ask you to return to my post of "Happy Trails" to read how deeply I feel about each one of you and your tremendous support.
There are many others things going on in our lives at this time.  I am looking forward to the time when we can get out of town and breathe some fresh air (yes, there is fresh air outside of Albuquerque...really, trust me, there is) take some time to see some sights and not think for a bit....other than what sounds good for breakfast. 
Everyone believes it should be the most exciting time.  Believing "this person has been cured!"  That is not true.  I have, as scores of others have, completed one chemo regimen. Cancer is never done with those of us who have had this visited upon us.  It doesn't rule your life; but it is always lurking - maybe to never rear it's ugly head again or waiting to launch a counterattack. 
So on the flip side, there are a lot of deep feelings.   There is great comfort in knowing you are "being watched over ever so carefully".  There is this amazing bond built during these months with your doctor, nurses, and their incredible staff - pharmacy, technicians, even the people in the lab.  They have been my guardian angels.
I am still here.  Some of my recliner mates have not survived.  Thankfully I only know one 'for certain' who did not survive.  The rest, I just keep in my mind they too have finished their treatment and are living their lives....even though I know this is not the case....some denial is ok in this particular journey.
  I do not know nor will I never know why one lives and one dies.  Until you live through cancer, come close to losing your own life, stripped down and raw, putting yourself fully God's care and keeping, and come back to the land of the living is not something any human being - anywhere understands.  There are a lot of philosophical reasons (my very least favorite of all of these is because I "had a positive attitude" - bunk), there is a lot of talk about passages in the Bible or other sources to read - all religions think they can explain the secret things of God.  I can assure you and will state very strongly; we who live on this side of heaven, DO NOT have a clue about the mysteries that belong to God.  How many mysteries of God are there? I'm clueless.  Prayer and intercessory prayer is certainly in the top 5.    If someone claims to be able to explain this to you or claims to understand it him/herself, grab your bag,  dust off your feet and walk away.
 What I do know, is God is a keeper of all of his promises.  When we see the sun; feel the wind on our skin and in our hair (those who still have hair), and see the handiwork of his good pleasure all around us, having faith in something far greater than ourselves, perhaps we do not have to "fully know" or comprehend.  "Jesus loves me this I know, for the Bible tells me so".....and those who 'have the faith of a mustard seed" - this is sufficient for the day.  His Grace.  However, as humans, we will keep reading and searching to reach understanding that 'gets us through the day'.  He says to 'study to show yourself approved" - it is a call to know Him and his will for our lives. He commands that we gain wisdom - but only God's wisdom is to be sought, wisdom cannot be found in anything or anyone else. 
  I have a great many questions - and they all begin with "why?...." and even though I want answers, I will not get them. I might get a slight glimmer and think, ah! yes, that is why - but it's only my human insight or POV.  It's not God's. 


’Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus,
And to take Him at His Word;
Just to rest upon His promise,
And to know, “Thus says the Lord!”


Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus,
Just to trust His cleansing blood;
And in simple faith to plunge me
’Neath the healing, cleansing flood


Yes, ’tis sweet to trust in Jesus,
Just from sin and self to cease;
Just from Jesus simply taking
Life and rest, and joy and peace.


Refrain
I’m so glad I learned to trust Thee,
Precious Jesus, Savior, Friend;
And I know that Thou art with me,
Wilt be with me to the end.


The hymns of days past speak to my heart in a new way.  I hear the words; the tune or lack there of no longer matters.  I am so grateful for those who sat and penned their soul's hurts and praise to paper.  Likewise Streams in the Desert.  Words leap off the page and embed themselves into my heart - they are testimonies by humans, thoughts and faith sharpened by winter's blasts and Satan's never ending weapons thrust at our hearts, minds and marrow.  God's word is the foundation; He has provided for every storm that comes our way.  Trust Him, He is worthy to be praised and worshipped.  The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom.


I'll be back for more......if you care to join along.  love kathryn