Seasons, Anchors, Mustard Seeds, No Glib Answers

"I started to sense that words not only convey something, but are something; that words have color, depth, texture of their own, and the power to evoke vastly more than they mean...and to make things happen inside the one who reads or hears them." 
                                                                               ~Frederick Buechner
Morning has long since broken.  Thankfully, there is shade on the patio and the breeze is cool.  Scout is on duty (if you have read Hank the Cowdog, you understand the need to patrol) and Coco aka The Weenie, is keeping on eye on things from her blanket.  She's moving slowly this morning, but still has a keen eye for predators - robins, sparrows, an occasional hummingbird. 
Though the folks behind us have no desire to tend to their yard, their apple tree is loaded with lovely green apples.  I only wish I could have 8 to 10 for an apple pie. (this may fall under "do not covet thy neighbor's apples).   Instead, I'll head to the market when I'm overwhelmed with a need for a piping hot, fresh apple pie.  (ah! fall...)
Jim worked 6 hours yesterday.  A record.  applause.  We take it as it comes. 
I pulled out an old book.  Surprisingly, I didn't write the date in it. The publishing date is 1997.  Our dear friend, Renee', died in February of that year.  A year my faith was shaken.  A year of doubt.  Not only over Renee' death but what it did to my faith.  Renee' was 40 years old.  My first husband died at age 20.  These deaths (and many in between) opened my eyes.  Never completely, but each time someone young died, my eyes were opened a bit more.  God revealed the deeper things very slowly.
Today there are loved ones who are struggling with life.  Downsizing, adult children, grandchildren, grappling with loss of parents,  coming to terms with changes in their lives; things that only happen to other people ("Myths and Other Lies").  We are also walking in the dark in regard to Jim's health. 
There is a bit of survival's guilt going on.  I want to race ahead and "be a source of encouragement" to others, but I do not sense what that is going to look like.  So I am working on living in the moment.  A bit like a child who sits on the edge of his chair in school, only I don't have that much energy to wiggle about so.  By God's great grace, I survived a rather harrowing year.  I sit here and only have numb feet and joint pain.  It's nothing.  Absolutely nothing.  I am  enjoying a morning with my dogs and cat - listening to the birds and feeling a calm, soothing breeze. 
I'm reading "when faith is not enough" by kelly j. clark.  I have read bits and pieces of this book since 1997.  I picked it up again but could not connect to Chapter 1.  I thumbed to the chapter titled, 'fear and trembling' and am now reading the following chapter,  'hope and suffering'.  Job. A man  who TRULY suffered.  A subtitle in this chapter is "suffering that is honest to God" ----
"Conversation and fellowship with God demand complete and heartfelt honesty.  It would have been unthinkable  to the ancient Hebrews to withhold their secret longings & desires from the Lord. It is a sign of their trust that they could unburden their heavy hearts on the Lord of the universe.  Withholding lament betrays a lack of fidelity.  When we express our anguish to God, we draw God into our experience.  To avoid God stoically in times of suffering or to maintain piously that "all is well" when we know good and well that it isn't -- this prevents God from fully entering into our believing experience.  The life of authentic faith demands raging at God when we want to know "Why?""
Job didn't suffer passively. We can thrust our anger upon God.  Our hope is that, as for Job, God will meet us with his grace." (this sentence is paraphrased for brevity....I am not known for brevity).
So many words and paragraphs stand out to me now.  They flesh out the Word. They are like stakes in our garden, his words hold me up when the winds blow.  Once words from this book were discouraging.  I had not walked through enough refining fires (but there had been many to that point).   I do not have control over the things that life brings. I can ask "why?"  When we do "ask why" to our family and friends, we find our relationships deepening.
We want to make sense of everything - we are not always allowed the answers.  We will have times of washing up on the shore without a clue.  We are commanded to trust - He is faithful.
God, from the beginning has desired nothing more than to be in relationship with Him. (And to love others more than ourselves.) Pray to God and share your heart.  Though he knows what's going on in your mind, He jealously longs to hear what you are thinking.  He is here, His Spirit lives in us.  That same Spirit brought Jesus from death to life.  We are filled with Life because of:  Faith. Hope. Joy. Grace. Love.  Paul writes, the greatest of these is Love.
May God break through in ways that amaze you today! 
love you kathryn