DIDN'T SEE THIS COMING....

A Monday In Late September

2011-09-26T17:44:00.000-06:00

Just ate a fresh tomato from the garden. Ilove eating little tomatoes just picked from the plant. Coco is laying next to me while Jim and Scout run an errand.
Thanksgiving and pain run down the same river. A fisherman walks into the water, sets life bait on a hook and casts the reel. The fisherman feels a strong tug on the line and begins reeling the fish in. The fish doesn't lay there - that fish fights for its very life. Sometimes he wins and works his way off the hook. Other times the fish fights and loses the battle - winding up on the fisherman's table. There is pain, there is thanksgiving. We are standing in that river, feeling pain. Yes, we give thanks, but this thank you has a hook. It comes at a very, very high price. Not monetarily. The cost of a soul.
I am not Paul, I'm not at the point of uttering these words and and meaning them. "Count it all joy, my friends, when you encounter suffering"... Perhaps I need to wade a bit farther into the river, out of the shaded areas, but not in the full sunshine as the glare of that is blinding on a river. I need to find that place where shade and sun come together - the place of greatest clarity
I still believe there is hope. For the rest of my life I believe this.
Love kathryn

Looking Up

2011-09-19T17:59:00.001-06:00

Most of you do not need another devotional posted on my blog. You have your favorite authors and devotionals you read. I just wrote this passage to a friend.

"Give full attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes." The Message/Matt 6

Storms come in many forms. We are going to stand under the cross.

love kathryn

Standing Under the Cross

Standing erect, holding our heads high, is the attitude of spiritually mature people in face of the calamities of our world. The facts of everyday life are a rich source for doomsday thinking and feeling. But it is possible for us to resist this temptation and to stand with self-confidence in this world, never losing our spiritual ground, always aware that "sky and earth will pass away" but the words of Jesus will never pass away (see Luke 21:33).

Let us be like Mary, the mother of Jesus, who stood under the cross, trusting in God's faithfulness notwithstanding the death of his beloved Child.

Good Evening Ladies & Gentlemen...We Have Really Good News This Evening

2011-09-16T17:31:00.000-06:00

Jim went to a diagnostic group, Breathe A.S.A.P. There are many of these diagnostic centers around the country. You fill our a complete medical history. When they have done taken the necessary information and run any tests needed. At the end of your visit, you are presented with a diagnosis and what is needed to correct the problem. (I'm not suggesting this is for every medical disorder - my disclaimer here).
Jim has a sinus infection, deep inside his frontal sinus area. He has had no symptoms of a sinus infection and brain MRIs indicated "white matter". Though Jim had some symptoms of M.S. that was clearly not the reason for the "white matter". This was an indication of a sinus infection not detectable by normal means.
He also has an area in his head, where he has suffered with severe head pain. No drug controlled the pain - it would suppress it somewhat, but it was never gone.
He was told he has an area in the frontal sinus area (where the pain has been emanating from) that needs to be opened up. He was born with this and has just now presented itself.
Solution? Angioplasty. Yes, up his nose to the area right about eyebrow level. The doctor said Jim's ENT surgeon (we have one...we have a Dr for everything and some we have multiples of) will do the surgery. It is an "in and out" procedure.
Are we happy? Nope, ecstatic!!! All of this time - all of the tests including a trip to Phoenix....we have an answer. Wow!
All of the pain Jim has and is still experiencing (but not for much longer); all of the doctors; all of the fears we have in our family of cancer - due to our journey through cancer - most humbling of all - our friends and family who have prayed for answers to this twisted mystery. Yes! Your prayers have been answered. We THANK YOU God! We thank you. For cards, for calls, for thoughts, for your interest and love. Your love has been sustaining and is incredible. Prayer, though a mystery is very humbling. It is a great gift - because of Jesus, we speak directly to our Abba Father.
To Donna Estes for sharing your information re: Breathe ASAP. Thank you, thank you!
To Jim's doctor today - we are so grateful for his capabilities and for the technology available to help people.
We just could not be happier today. We've needed a 'bit of good news' lately.
We're blessed. God is good - God is good always.
From our hearts to yours, we thank you for caring for & loving us so.
Good night from a beautiful evening in Abq.
With love, kathryn and jim

Vacating Is Grand

2011-09-12T19:18:00.000-06:00

We had a good time in Colorado. The dogs were taken care of, Sophie had a cat sitter - who always does a great job of feeding her almost as much as I do.
We've enjoyed a cloudy day here in NM. A harvest moon is due at 7:15pm. I know those back east are already enjoying it. A harvest moon is related to hayrides, pumpkins, apples, carmel apples, flannel shirts, boots, jeans, chili, hot dogs cooked outside and cold, crisp, clear skies. Not quite here in NM...but other places are enjoying fall weather.
I found this quote today. Sometimes things come to you from the most unexpected places. When going through times of crisis, whatever that means to you. "Rather than think, I'll never survive this, try, I'm having the thought that I'll never survive this." You recognize that there is a problem - not avoiding it, you recognize there is a problem, but it is a thought. All about reprogramming. Thoughts like feelings are something we deal with constantly. God says, "Take every thought captive."
I still believe the best way through a crisis (though I am not always successful at this) is laughter, tears and dear family and friends, who listen and make our load lighter. Learning to wait, listen, be still, pray and seek wisdom.
We have such great examples of people who have been through crisis after crisis and never lost their grip on hope or on God. "There is a place of quiet rest, near to the heart of God." We're relying on this.
Though we have every luxury of home in Colorado, it's nice to be home and have my ironing board again. : )
Have a good evening. Off to check out the moon.
looking out the back door in Colorado...lovely mountain stream

love kathryn

It's Really September...Savoring the Moments

2011-09-06T09:48:00.000-06:00

Sophie sitting in the window on Labor Day. She napped the rest of the day. She knew it was a holiday and took advantage of it.

One should live everyday with thanksgiving, snow, sleet, rain, hail, tornadoes, floods, HEAT of seemingly epic proportions (I do remember those days in Kansas and Okla that were extremely hot and cold). However, September fills me with deep joy. I am forever a fall and winter girl. No matter how old I am, I love the changes - leaves changing and falling off the trees, the skies are bluer, the green chilies roasting on an occasional street corner or market, balloons rising in the cool morning air. I remember so many September mornings of my childhood and early adulthood.
Though I really cannot explain these feelings of fall and winter, I do know, I find myself aligning with God and digging deeper into his Word. Longing for Him to shape me, mold me & add new interior wells deep within me.

"Create in me a clean heart O! God".

Today, I am reading Psalms 71.

"Who, O God, is like you? Though you have made me see trouble, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up."

"In You, O Lord, I have taken refuge; let me never be put to shame."

Thank you God for David and others who spilled their hearts to you. Never in fear - just pouring out their hearts. You are a Big God. I pour out my heart and use the Psalms daily to express how I feel. God desires for us to be completely honest with Him. He already knows our hearts and knows also that our desire to grow in faith, hope; our struggles and pain with fear, anger, bitterness, opens the gates of our hearts and minds to joy and comfort; healing, a deeper faith and trust in Him - this God, Our Father who loves and knows us intimately.
Though there is a rumbling at the center of our lives - not just physical but in other ways, we know that God's promises are true. I have many doubts and fears. I know too that satan preys on every thought that creates doubt and fear. Like a cat pouncing on a mouse...he tears into me. So I ask God to "incline your ear to me and deliver me from my enemies." (paraphrase mine).
For the moment and this day - I am grateful. The hummingbirds are moving in for their breakfast. I glanced up and saw gold glimmering at the top of a neighbors tree. Why the neighbor's trees? For we do not have a tree that changes color in our yard.
For those on the other side of the country, be thankful for those trees in your yards and those pesky leaves you rake every fall. Don't ever take that for granted....go out and bring some in your house - make a garland of those leaves and hang them in your window.
love kathryn

Square One...

2011-09-02T17:47:00.000-06:00

The MRI was clear. They apologized to Jim, but found nothing wrong. It's a weird thing...you are thrilled nothing is wrong and yet something IS wrong.
We may never know what it is.
We would like to believe it will go away as quickly as it came.
We know there are many, many people who live with chronic pain and fatigue and have never found an answer to their "why".
Jim will continue to do as much as he can do physically and rest when he's not able. We've stretched our imaginations pretty far with all of his symptoms - we've looked up extremely rare disorders and blamed everything on "just stress". I will tell you, first hand, knowing what you have is a walk in the park. Even if it's serious. It's this "not knowing" that can drive you over the edge.
What we do want to say is thank you for your kindness, your inquiries, your prayers, cards, calls and support.
Happy Labor Day. Breakfast with some dear friends tomorrow...then head to Sears for a vacuum cleaner belt. I keep burning them up. Vacuuming should not be this much of a challenge.
love and many, many thanks,
kathryn

Jim...So Far

2011-08-30T17:03:00.000-06:00

Very good news. No tumors, no brain lesions, no pituitary problems. He does has arthritis in his neck. An answer to the neck pain that had not been answered.
He does have nerve damage in his face. They will run a stationary MRI - showing 'slices' of the nerves in his face. He has not been on any medication that will help the pain he's suffered since last winter. The dr said they could do a nerve block today or he could offer him medication. Jim said he would like to get the MRI done today. No nerve block or medication until the test is done. He is scheduled for the MRI at 6pm. We are hopeful he will learn the results this evening or early in the morning.
Lessons to learn: Do not run into a steel tool cabinet - head on, then run into a wooden door while carrying a solid wood desk about an hour or so later.
It's hard to believe he's been through so many tests; so many drs - all with the same information and it took a trip to Barrow Institute to get answers.
I'll post results when the results are in.
He's still dealing with intense fatigue and balance issues. Those are to be addressed by the dr here. If there are no answers forthcoming in ABQ, Mayo Clinic is only an hour by plane. It's wonderful to have this option.
YOU have more than blessed us with your prayers for Jim and for both of us. We pray for your needs and concerns as we hear from you. This is not a one way street by any means.
All in all, we feel like we can breathe a bit easier.
More later. Many, many thanks.
Blessings to you,
kathryn

He's Got The Whole World...Mine is Manageable

2011-08-30T09:33:00.000-06:00

Beware of DIY sites. I bought this globe about 2 years ago. I wasn't sure what to do with it, but I knew something would strike me. It did. Paint it with chalkboard paint. Another place to doodle and steal quotes to pen on the whole wide world.
It's still needs some touch ups, but it's almost completed. I can see the next projects in my minds' eye. I'm going to finish this before I move on. I'm ready to "take on the world".
It is so nice this morning. I went indoors to begin the purge of the kitchen counters and decided I can do that when it's too warm to be outside. I'll do some reading and enjoy the pups.
I hope you are doing what you enjoy today.
love kathryn

Life is but a dream, but this does not involve rowing

2011-08-28T12:09:00.000-06:00

Life is like riding a bicycle - in order to keep your balance, you must keep moving. ~Albert Einstein

I Was Once A Mother

2011-08-25T12:55:00.000-06:00

I always enjoyed reading "Are You My Mother?" It was sweet and everyone was kind to the new little hatchling. That books and show like that were just comforting, funny and made you feel good about how life was going. Learning was taking place, new words were being identified by the one being read to. Soon, so soon, she was literally covered in all of her books. Reading them as fast as she could. She knew the "jist" of every story at age 3, just not all of the words..who cared? She had developed a passion for reading. As the bystander in this little life, I had prayed for this and found my prayer answered in spades.
I also prayed the ocean would be a place of incredible delight - the vastness would not scare or be a place that felt dirty due to the sand. To this day I see a 2 yr old - holding her arms full out, looking at the ocean and the sky...as if in worship for all she was taking in. I said thank you.
These past few years have taken a toll on me, on both of us, that is indescribable. We remember HER. The core of her. The being God created. We are now seeing another side. Things I cannot discuss. I DO know this. The precious word that God started in her is being hidden. It's being put under a bushel basket. She is alone and does not know where to turn. She has chosen to turn to the world for answers and it is a void.
We've literally prayed 1000s of prayers for her. As have our friends and family. People who do not know us, utter fine and precious words to God on her behalf.
She is in so much noise (to quote a friend) she cannot hear Him knocking, every so gently upon the door to her heart.
We are confused. We live a simple and quiet life. We know things we cannot discuss at this time or maybe never. We simply beg you pray for Jim and I. We had entered the land of giants, they are all around us. However, we know we have a God who can squash a giant with merely a thought. Our God loves her. Loves us. Is not wringing his hands but is weeping the prayer of lament over his little lamb.
Pray specifically for our anger...though it's part of this process...to use it for good. Pray for sleep. Jim sees a neurosurgeon on Tuesday morning in Phoenix. We do not know (though we've asked) what he is going to say to Jim.
You are always a blessing - like gold, spun gold, in our lives. There is not one of you who has not crossed into the fast moving waters or stood on the edge of a mountain and wondered how you were going to get out.
We want to live in grace. Be God's precious children. We want peace restored as well as calm. We may not get that. We pray for strength to be what we are called to be. Though surrounded by great darkness, He is the Light of the World.
love kathryn

T.G.F.A.V.G.F. (thank goodness for a very good friday)

2011-08-19T12:12:00.001-06:00

Jim's colonoscopy was a success. Two small polyps (just so sure he doesn't mind sharing this type of information...just sure....sure,I'm sure). They were removed. He does not have cancer. The polyps are benign. Now THAT information is the TerriFic!!!
Our nurse prayed over Jim that his doctors would find a resolution to the other problems. To receive that kind of blessing, without a second thought on her part - the Lord spoke to her heat and she listened. She said the Lord heals and blesses all who ask. Her touch, was healing, brought tears to our eyes - we were all blessed. Be a blessing by surprising others in need with your prayers. Take their hands; pray for them. It stops the pain or hurt, it sets people back on their heels - they are blessed. Jesus touched people with his hands. It was a blessing. It also puts them in touch with the truth -what is truly real. He is the lover of our souls. Whether the person chooses to know more or not, their hearts and lives are changed. It is a mind bending, heart changing gift. It lifts the heaviness from any and all situations. We never know when those words could be drawn from at another moment. A touch, a hug, a smile. These things change our world....as well as theirs.

I found a blouse, purchased by the one and only owner - circa1970. I feel so young wearing this tunic/embroidery shirt. I am 17 again.

1. Bridge Over Troubled Water, Simon and Garfunkel
2. (They Long to Be) Close to You, The Carpenters
3. American Woman/No Sugar Tonight, The Guess Who
4. Raindrops Keep Fallin' On My Head, B.J. Thomas
5. War, Edwin Starr
6. Ain't No Mountain High Enough, Diana Ross
7. I'll Be There, The Jackson 5
8. Get Ready, Rare Earth
9. Let It Be, The Beatles
10. Band of Gold, Freda Payne
11. Mama Told Me (Not to Come), Three Dog Night
12. Everything Is Beautiful, Ray Stevens
13. Make It With You, Bread
14. Hitchin' a Ride, Vanity Fair
15. ABC, The Jackson 5
16. The Love You Save/I Found That Girl, The Jackson 5
17. Cracklin' Rose, Neil Diamond
18. Candida, Dawn
19. Thank You (Falettinme Be Mice Elf Agin)/Everybody Is a Star,
       Sly and The Family Stone
20. Spill the Wine, Eric Burdon and War
21. O-O-H Child, The Five Stairsteps
22. Spirit In the Sky, Norman Greenbaum
23. Lay Down (Candles In the Rain), Melanie and The Edwin
Hawkin Singers
24. Ball of Confusion (That's What the World Is Today),
The Temptations
25. Love On a Two Way Street, The Moments

I can still sing a few lines from all of those 70's hits. (how scared do
you want to be?)
Anyway...her mom, washed it, starched and ironed it and it's been a
cedar  chest since 1970...mint condition - all for $12.00.
Now about those wrinkles on my neck and the man who gave me
a senior discount at the movie theater - without asking......hmm.
I'll leave you with my favorite photo of the moment.
..and you shall find rest for your soul...
                         I am going to stand in Hope and live in Joy
                                             Today.
love kathryn

"There are no tulips around here so I'll tip toe through the zinnias and morning glories." sophie

Call Him and Listen

2011-08-16T10:20:00.000-06:00

" On the day I called, you answered me, you increased my strength of soul."
Psalms 138:3

A Brief Brief Re: Jim

2011-08-15T17:31:00.001-06:00

Another appointment to discuss findings on his latest blood work results. He has some problems in relation to low red blood counts. We will listen and see what we learn tomorrow. My gut feeling? More tests.
It's fajitas for dinner tonight. I hope you are enjoying whatever you like to eat on this much cooler (at least here) Monday evening.
Jack...we wish you all new A/C very soon. There are 2 adults and 6 dogs in this house. All are taking turns in front of the fans.
I finally finished "The Help". A good read. There is still a stack of books waiting to be opened or finished. Of course, I'm always looking for just one more book to read.
My brother will soon be en route to Afghanistan. He's been "enjoying" his time in Kuwait. He shared with us the pleasure of finding high end port a pottys and that the view of sand is never ending....and for some reason, they have all had a steady diet of fish of every type. (no lobster thermidor or shrimp scampi). All kidding aside - this is serious business for him and for all of our troops.
Let's all get and stay well for a while. How about it?
love kathryn

E.N.T. Visit...

2011-08-15T13:06:00.004-06:00

Dr. H saw Jim this a.m. He is sending him for a balance test and to a Dr who will examine his vocal chords. As for the BAER test. The reason Dr. H said this test is not used, is due to the very obvious fact. Jim wears hearing aids. A pre-hearing test must be performed before doing the BAER test or the results are skewed. Even if you do have a hearing test, due to hearing loss, it may not be accurate. He said, right now you do not need to see anyone in the neurology field. "Good night! they will mess with your brain!!" (he's a funny guy and intelligent). We are still waiting on the results of the blood work done last Friday. Hopefully, we will know what has caused the anemia.
So we just have had some good news. And we praise the Lord for this appointment (that everyone insisted he must have) and for the follow up appointments/tests.
I just read from Henri Nouwen's readings on solitude and poverty. Poverty stopped me in my tracks. Our language is limited - it's a great language, but there are deeper meanings to our words and clarification is welcome.
"Poverty is where we experience our own and other people's weakness, limitations, and need for support. To be poor without success, without fame and without power. But there God chooses His love...". Jesus says, Come to me all you who are heavy laden and I will give you rest. When we hide ourselves in Christ, though we are burdened and many times in despair, he sends His own Spirit to comfort us and sort things out - if we are listening to His word. I get myself in such a tangle. The wires from my head and my heart get so twisted, they short out, shutting down power. The power is never of my own making, but I can short circuit the Power. God comes in with new fuses and fresh wires (I love all of the colors of those wires) and rewires my entire system. He gently, but with firmness in His voice, states these words (my paraphrase).
"You, Kathryn, must be convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all of My creation, will separate you, Kathryn, from my (overwhelming) love. This river of love flows from my Son, Your Savior, Kathryn, Christ Jesus, Your Lord."
We believe we are on the right path. Our paths sometimes swerve in all directions, but this sounds very promising to us.
We love you!
kathryn
(for readers...I should have edited better. I had other things on my mind. I hope the corrections make better sense).

Painting, Picking Tomatoes, Reading & Enjoying the Morning

2011-08-13T11:27:00.001-06:00

Good Morning Purple Face!

Zinnias!

Sophie likes sleeping in the zinnia bed...she is on her way over right now.

Happy Faced Zinnias. They love the heat - not wicked heat, but enjoy showing off in the bright sunshine.

Coco and Scout found a pallet on the den floor is the best way to stay cool. Scout caught me, but rolled over & went back to sleep.

Jim had a morning to sleep in. I was on the patio spending time reading and doing a little research re: Jim's situation. I read enough to make me very dangerous. So I put it away. We are in God's care. Dr. L. in Phoenix is going to review Jim's latest MRI. We are waiting to find out what type of anemia he has so he can be treated for that. Staying awake may be highly overrated in the "real world". It's not for those dealing with major fatigue issues.

Peggy phoned to let me hear the ocean this past week. Music to my ocean starved ears.

From my morning reading: "Learn to enjoy life more...relax, remembering that I am God with you." My paraphrase, 'walk with childlike delight, enjoying each and every thing, say out loud, I trust you, God, I know you love me and are with me." Though we've had some detours, valleys, bumps in the road - we do laugh a lot (most of you would state our humor is quite twisted)...but we either laugh or fall into a dark place. Laughter IS the best medicine. We are planning a get away very soon and are looking forward to a different view - which always leads me to a different viewpoint.

Though there are still moments we stub our toes, lose perspective and get way ahead of God, we come back in thankfulness for all He is doing in our lives. We are in the potter's hands. I think there have been many re-do's on this piece of clay. One day I will get to see it and be so very amazed at what He has created from a single lump of clay. To quote "Mercy Me" - I can only imagine.

Meanwhile...tomatoes are coming on. We indulged in fried green tomatoes. Yummy! The eggplants are full of beautiful lavender blooms and the large sunflower plants are reaching ever upward. Looking for that brilliant summer sun.

"God comforts us not to make us comfortable, but to make us comforters."

***from Streams in the Desert"

..."I spread out my hands to you; my soul thirsts for you like a parched land...let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you." from Psalms 143

I cannot believe it's time to returned to school. I'm sure school teachers/administrators are not having has much of a problem with this as I am. : )

love on this Saturday morning,

kathryn

World's Tiniest Jalepeno Peppers, Ya Think??

2011-07-27T21:06:00.001-06:00

Those are little, tiny jalapeno peppers. Look very closely. (sorry it's blurry, as I said, it's a very tiny plant!) The peppers fit the plant. It's a very healthy plant, just very tiny.

Tomorrow is my last doctor's appointment. I've been scanned, xrayed, poked and prodded, hemmed and hawed over this summer. I will return to the cancer center every 3 mos. The only thing on the docket is cataract surgery for me.

Unfortunately, Jim's health took a bad turn. All of the symptoms and a few new ones have been with him for several months. We've looked for the best doctor(s) and believe we've found him/them. We heard from him yesterday. He said he would be glad to review all of Jim's records. We pray we are on the right path.

No cruises, no mountain cabins, no hut by the beach. We've had a quiet summer. There is a season and a purpose for everything under heaven...even when we do not always understand the reason or purpose. We've seen some incredible things during this past year plus. We are thankful we are not on our own. Ever.

I'll get back to you on those peppers...

Good night from Abq.

love kathryn

The Best Thing Of This Day.....Rain!

2011-07-20T19:06:00.000-06:00

Scout has a fear of thunder and storms. Look at those eyes!

"I'm all a quiver!"

"Let the rain kiss you. Let the rain beat upon your head with silver liquid drops. Let the rain sing you a lullaby."
Langston Hughes

Seasons, Anchors, Mustard Seeds, No Glib Answers

2011-07-13T10:58:00.006-06:00

"I started to sense that words not only convey something, but are something; that words have color, depth, texture of their own, and the power to evoke vastly more than they mean...and to make things happen inside the one who reads or hears them."
                                                                               ~Frederick Buechner
Morning has long since broken.  Thankfully, there is shade on the patio and the breeze is cool. Scout is on duty (if you have read Hank the Cowdog, you understand the need to patrol) and Coco aka The Weenie, is keeping on eye on things from her blanket. She's moving slowly this morning, but still has a keen eye for predators - robins, sparrows, an occasional hummingbird.
Though the folks behind us have no desire to tend to their yard, their apple tree is loaded with lovely green apples. I only wish I could have 8 to 10 for an apple pie. (this may fall under "do not covet thy neighbor's apples). Instead, I'll head to the market when I'm overwhelmed with a need for a piping hot, fresh apple pie. (ah! fall...)
Jim worked 6 hours yesterday. A record. applause. We take it as it comes.
I pulled out an old book. Surprisingly, I didn't write the date in it. The publishing date is 1997. Our dear friend, Renee', died in February of that year. A year my faith was shaken. A year of doubt. Not only over Renee' death but what it did to my faith. Renee' was 40 years old. My first husband died at age 20. These deaths (and many in between) opened my eyes. Never completely, but each time someone young died, my eyes were opened a bit more. God revealed the deeper things very slowly.
Today there are loved ones who are struggling with life. Downsizing, adult children, grandchildren, grappling with loss of parents, coming to terms with changes in their lives; things that only happen to other people ("Myths and Other Lies"). We are also walking in the dark in regard to Jim's health.
There is a bit of survival's guilt going on. I want to race ahead and "be a source of encouragement" to others, but I do not sense what that is going to look like. So I am working on living in the moment. A bit like a child who sits on the edge of his chair in school, only I don't have that much energy to wiggle about so. By God's great grace, I survived a rather harrowing year. I sit here and only have numb feet and joint pain. It's nothing. Absolutely nothing. I am enjoying a morning with my dogs and cat - listening to the birds and feeling a calm, soothing breeze.
I'm reading "when faith is not enough" by kelly j. clark. I have read bits and pieces of this book since 1997. I picked it up again but could not connect to Chapter 1. I thumbed to the chapter titled, 'fear and trembling' and am now reading the following chapter, 'hope and suffering'. Job. A man who TRULY suffered.  A subtitle in this chapter is "suffering that is honest to God" ----
"Conversation and fellowship with God demand complete and heartfelt honesty. It would have been unthinkable to the ancient Hebrews to withhold their secret longings & desires from the Lord. It is a sign of their trust that they could unburden their heavy hearts on the Lord of the universe. Withholding lament betrays a lack of fidelity. When we express our anguish to God, we draw God into our experience. To avoid God stoically in times of suffering or to maintain piously that "all is well" when we know good and well that it isn't -- this prevents God from fully entering into our believing experience. The life of authentic faith demands raging at God when we want to know "Why?""
Job didn't suffer passively. We can thrust our anger upon God. Our hope is that, as for Job, God will meet us with his grace." (this sentence is paraphrased for brevity....I am not known for brevity).
So many words and paragraphs stand out to me now. They flesh out the Word. They are like stakes in our garden, his words hold me up when the winds blow. Once words from this book were discouraging. I had not walked through enough refining fires (but there had been many to that point). I do not have control over the things that life brings. I can ask "why?" When we do "ask why" to our family and friends, we find our relationships deepening.
We want to make sense of everything - we are not always allowed the answers. We will have times of washing up on the shore without a clue. We are commanded to trust - He is faithful.
God, from the beginning has desired nothing more than to be in relationship with Him. (And to love others more than ourselves.) Pray to God and share your heart. Though he knows what's going on in your mind, He jealously longs to hear what you are thinking. He is here, His Spirit lives in us. That same Spirit brought Jesus from death to life. We are filled with Life because of: Faith. Hope. Joy. Grace. Love. Paul writes, the greatest of these is Love.
May God break through in ways that amaze you today!
love you kathryn

I'm Walking In Sunshine....

2011-07-12T09:25:00.000-06:00

The first sunflower. Scout ate two (yum). I managed to save two plants. I like it with the chippy old window. It stands up proud and tall when the sun hits in the afternoon.
Sunflowers reflect life. We need the Light to stand up to the storms and challenges of daily life. I paraphrase from a movie, sunflowers turn their face toward the sun (Son)...no matter what. I know my day are better when My day is best when I soak in the Word and the His Light fill my heart, soul and mind.
"Your open hand satisfying the desire of every living thing." Ps. 145: 16
Blessings on your day! love kathryn

Friday afternoon

2011-07-08T18:39:00.000-06:00

Just a quick note. Dr. Clark said all is well with me. I am to continue blood work. Thanks to your many prayers and love. It was good to hear "your doing well" from Dr. Clark. He's not one to toss out empty words. He's meticulous, as I've said several times. He was shocked to see me in a sleeveless blouse and capri's. : )
Jim has had an up and down week. He has a couple of tests on Monday. Hopefully, Jim should hear from Dr. L's office at the Barrow Institute early next week.
A good weekend for....rain. We pray those clouds will roll in and bring rain.
Many, many thanks to all of you.
Love you, kathryn

Pause In The Midst of A Monday

2011-07-05T13:53:00.001-06:00

Happy 4th of July on the 5th of July. We live in a great nation. Oceans, rivers, lakes, deserts, mountain ranges, blue skies with marshmallow clouds. A vast continent that is filled with great beauty and surprises. We enjoy freedom to travel from one state to another. To worship and praise God...to feel the love of fellowship with friends. A great reason to remember people that came on little ships over 235 years ago. People like you and me - who came to establish this nation. They had no idea how that was going to look, but they were passionate about freedom and many gave their lives and still do to retain this gift of freedom. Freedom still comes at great cost.
Philip Parker, Commander, USN (Reserve) left his family yesterday. He will soon serve as a nurse in Afghanistan. Though Phil is 50 yrs old, has been the head nurse of an ER in Seattle, has a wife, 4 children and 1 granddaughter - he is still our little brother. The 'baby' of the family. 50 years ago yesterday, we went to see fireworks in a town near to Newton KS. I do not remember the town, but I remember the blankets and picnics all around us. Then night fell and my mother was concerned Phil would be scared by all of the noise of the fireworks. Instead, he laughed and laughed. It was pure joy. I remember it very vividly. Thank you, Phil, for the sacrifices you and your family are making. Thank you for serving our country. Please take care of yourself. We are praying for strength and courage. We pray God will keep you & those you work along side out of harms way...and you will return very soon. You are deeply loved.
Now to these medical issues.
1. My colonoscopy was clear and I enjoyed a very nice nap and a good meal and evening with Bill & Donna.
2. Jim find acupuncture very helpful. He also had a shot in his foot (steroid) and wore a brace for a week. That feels better.
3. We found out Jim's feet grew a full shoe size. hmmm....
4. He saw an endocrinologist this morning. Yesterday, I was reading about the pituitary gland. I found this disorder that seemed very close to what is going on with Jim. Acromegaly. The Dr told Jim this morning he believes this is what he has. He believes it has been caught it early, because he only has a few of the long list of symptoms. Jim will have the glucose infusion test next Tuesday. (I was running ahead and believed that was today...you know I tend to run ahead). I like answers. If you like to read about disorders, go to Mayo Clinic site online and read about it there.
Coco. She did not have a thyroid problem at all. O! that it was only a thyroid problem. She has lymphoma cancer. She is 7 years old and has been the joy and light of our lives. She is even tempered, sweet and loving. Her greatest joy is to be sitting in my lap or better yet, tucked inside my bathrobe (especially in the winter). The prognosis: 1 week (which she has surpassed) to 5/6 months. Sometimes she has a lot of energy - today, not so much. If there is a cancer exorcist out there, we need one. Too much cancer. We are enjoying every moment we have with her. Scout knows something is up. They are very instinctive little creatures. As for treatment, we chose to put her on prednisone to relieve her of fevers and pain. The lymph nodes are all back to normal. If only she was. She still brings us great joy. When she runs into the backyard to bark - who cares?
We are all praying for rain - monsoon rains. We've had far too many wild fires and more are breaking out. Those who live and work in Los Alamos are returning today. That's such wonderful news. Those firefighters are very brave and did an outstanding job. There was losses from this fire. I don't know if you can say to people who lost their homes, "it could have been worse"...for they are experiencing "the worst". But as is always said, homes can be rebuilt; lives cannot be brought back. We are thankful no one lost their life in this massive wildfire.

"Let everything that has breath, Praise The Lord!"

To be quite frank, we are not down and out but we are worn about the edges. We know we do not see the whole picture,

Right now, I am thinking of the former painter who used to teach painting on PBS. The soft voice and the huge head of hair. He would take his painter's tools and begin working on a forest. Blacks, dark greens, a dab of white, a dab of yellow and he's start working the background. When I watched, I was intrigued. He knew how much of each color, he knew where to begin. He also let his imagination work into his art...it wasn't pre-planned. Jim and I are like his oil paintings...we are in the background, we are waiting for the following layers to make us into the picture God wants us to look like. I do hope he will add a dash of red. I love red. And blue. And wear way too much black. : ) I digress.

Have a glass of iced tea - just the way you like it.

All is well and all will be well.

love you kathryn

Encouraged!

2011-06-22T19:51:00.000-06:00

Our family doctor contacted Jim today. The doctors at Barrow Institute have reviewed all of Jim's tests/CDs of MRIs/MRAs. It was determined he does not have M.S. Due to the findings of a couple of tests done when Jim was in the hospital, another doctor has been brought in for further review. We pray this doctor will be able to address the problems Jim has been experiencing. A diagnosis would be so welcome. We are very encouraged the process didn't end with one group of doctors.
Jim is back to work for 2 to 6 hours a day. Though he doesn't feel well much of the time, it's a good feeling to be back at his job.
We think Coco has a thyroid cyst. She's been dragging around here, so that may be the answer to her fatigue. Seems to run in the family. Her thyroid cyst seems to be much larger than the one I had. Normally, she moves slowly - the past few days, she is near full stop.
I just read the forecast - 100 degrees Thursday. Friends who live in Tucson are laughing up their sleeves - if only we could have such cool weather here!The garden plants will need some deep watering tonight and tomorrow. Like people, they too enjoy a good, long soak.
Update: I have not bitten off my fingernails. Shocking even to me.
Our friends, Bill & Donna, are back home from Hawaii. Bill suffered a massive heart attack while on vacation. Donna reported they were "a little tired". We give God praise for bringing Bill back to us and for the great provision for Donna, Bill and their family. This will go down as the vacation no one will forget.
Time to turn off the computer and do some reading before I fall asleep in my own lap.

"A life without love is like a year without summer."

-- Swedish Proverb

Blessings!
love kathryn

Open Doors...

2011-06-17T18:06:00.002-06:00

"When one door closes, another opens;

but we often look so long and so regretfully

upon the closed door that we do not see

the one which has opened for us."

-Alexander Graham Bell

I love doors. New Mexico hosts some pretty wonderful doors. Massive doors on churches as well as hotels and a host of other places. Intricate and massive iron work. At one time, perhaps there was a great need to keep the bad out. Or they were expecting a bad winter. Or they simply loved large, imposing doors.

We recently hung a new bedroom door. We love the look - a wood panel door (painted white). Instantly the view from our room looks warm and welcoming. I do not care for flat doors. Where is the character?

If I were able to travel the world, I'd find doors that are simply a piece of fabric over an opening in someones dwelling place. I'd find tall, skinny doors and wide and overwhelming in size doors. Some places I would travel to - there wouldn't be a covering at all. It would be an opening that you would simply crawl into. Perhaps there are almost, ALMOST, as many differences in doors as their are in people.

Closed doors are rarely looked at as opportunities to grow and change. Closed doors state: closed for business; go away, we don't want anything; we've locked out the world and are staying to ourselves or it could simply be we do not want the heat or cold blowing into our homes. As Mr. Bell says, we stare at them regretfully, we can't help but wonder why that door closed. There is loss; we pause...

Open doors are for peeking into, are welcoming, are intriguing, particularly when the rest of the doors are closed. Open doors draw us in. If the door is into a place we've never been before, we feel some apprehension. However, those feelings fall away. As if we are beckoned inside, we are intrigued and step in. We adjust to the light or darkness. We look around. We know immediately if this is something of interest or not. When I walk in - I have an immediate sense of knowing whether I am welcome or not. No sign needed - not a word uttered. You just know.

When reading this quote, I thought of Lot's wife. Though she was living in a city that was truly uninhabitable on every level you can think of, it was her home. There is not much said about her, but I think of her often. She was told to leave her home and NOT look back. We know from reading this story, they had a door. I believe their door was hung to keep out the bad things - things she and her family didn't want to be involved in or see. This was an instance of believing there was security behind a door. Her heart came to believe their home WAS secure. She, like me, would have been better served by listening to wisdom. And keeping her eyes focused on what lay ahead, not behind.

In our childhood home, the front & back doors were seldom locked. We had a skeleton key for many years. We kept our windows open in the spring and summer to catch the Kansas breeze. Teresa and I shared a bedroom with one window. From our window, we could see our driveway, a narrow side yard, a row of poplar trees and a wheat field. Down the street lay train tracks where the Rock Island trains rolled, day and night. On hot summer nights, we'd pile our pillows in the frame of the open window, hoping to catch a bit of breeze. We'd listen to the crickets and the trains on their ways to places, so distant we could only imagine where they were and what they looked like. Writing this, I am taken back in time. Laying in our open window, waiting for a breeze - listening to the sounds of the night - we felt safe and protected. In our minds, there was nothing unsafe about unlatching the screen to that window.

Perhaps you look at your life as a series of doors and windows. I can't say that I think like that very often. When I hear the expression, "When God closes a door, He opens a window", it's a reminder that we are not always the ones with our hands on the door knob or the part that opens the window.

I've been through a door similar to the door on the wardrobe to Narnia. I've see things this past year I didn't know existed. More importantly, I've experienced the opening of both doors and windows to my heart, mind and soul. I've walked through many doors and have found God in many forms and shapes and sizes. His Spirit led me through those open windows and closed others. As I made my way through a series of doors and windows...I gained trust that I never had. I experienced and hopefully returned love as deeply as I've experienced. I came to see these particular doors with a different perspective. I found purpose and meaning for my life as I stepped inside My life was waiting...and those lives that touched me were inside. What if fear had kept me outside?!

Behind some doors, I was hit with misunderstanding, twisted perceptions and hate. As I approached these doors, they were loudly and sharply closed in my face. With hope in my heart, my prayer in the night is restoration - an opening of the door --- a flinging open of a window. For light to fill the space and a song of redemption will be heard through the open windows.

A childhood visual remains but now I see it differently. No coercion. No threats. No yelling. No fifteen verses of "Just As I Am", No pleading. Only this -

"Behold, I stand at the door and knock." (revelation)

We all face closed doors and closed windows. We all have serious doubts and wonder where we are heading to next.

Don't just admire the doors and the fancy handwork on those doors, step through. A part of your life you were not expecting may be in there.

(I needed this!)

Have a great weekend. love kathryn

These Eyes...

2011-06-14T18:34:00.000-06:00

Old photo. But I am looking at you...without my glasses. I've not worn my glasses much this year. The obvious reason; I was sick. The other reason was not so obvious. I knew I was not seeing well - with or without glasses.
I went in for my annual eye exam to learn my eyes were not working well. This was not news to me. After a long and thorough exam, my eye doctor told me the reason I was not seeing well, with or without glasses.
Cataracts in both eyes.
You who are a bit more seasoned in years than I am, may think me silly. To friends my age, hearing you have cataracts might strike you as it did me. "I thought cataracts appeared much later in life - like when you are old!" I am a baby boomer. My generation refuses to grow old or even older.
I realize this is a simple surgery, taking longer to prepare for than to actually "be under the knife". But it's another surgery. I just wasn't thinking about cataracts or surgery as I sat in the optometrists chair.
I have to meet with the opthamologist the end of June. He will determine how soon I need to have this done.
I am glad to learn that I was not going blind. I have squinted, dealt with extra teary eyes (yes, I know about dry eyes "at my age"), checked out books with large print etc. All in all, this is not bad news. Like all of life's little unknowns, this is just one more. I'll take cataracts over a lot of things.
Jim returned to work today. He will work p/t. We hope to hear from Barrow Institute by next week. Praying Jim will be accepted as a patient and someone will be able to find out what is creating his symptoms.
The zinnias are popping up a bit each day. I am seeing some little green tomatoes as well. The eggplants are doing better along with the jalapeno plant. The herbs love growing in the front planter - we've already enjoyed basil and others.

"I stuck my head out the window this morning and spring kissed me bang! in the face. ....langston hughes

Though spring is almost over, it was a lovely spring morning. I hope it was at your house as well.

Love Kathryn

And We're Off....sort of....

2011-06-13T13:56:00.000-06:00

We saw our family practice doctor this morning. He said we need to get out of town for additional help in trying to figure out what is going on with Jim's health. We now have everything we need for the package to Barrow Neurological Institute, Phoenix AZ.
Our lovely neighbors have a condo there and have told us we may use their condo and we may take our furry family with us.
We were told that some doctors will do a review of his case and decide if Jim is a candidate or not. We are not making any plans beyond today. It took 2 months to get Molly into her neurosurgeon's office in CO. I suspect that it will be in that range for Jim - IF he is accepted.
His symptoms rotate. There is a consistency in the symptoms. There is no consistency in when they will appear or how intense or less intense they will be. The one thing that is consistent is fatigue, numbness and tingling in his face - with varying degrees of intensity.
We enjoyed being with Dain over a long weekend. He cut the grass this week, helped put in some plugs of grass and worked in the dark on a leaky float in the water cooler. We also let him have some down time. At least this visit he didn't leave with the flu and a bad case of poison ivy (that was many years ago...but it was not a good way to leave our home).
That's it for today. Time to get my eyes tested. It will be good to be able to see again.
This weekend my high school class celebrated our 40th year class reunion. There is no way I am this old. Since I recognized only 5 people, they must have been among the younger people in my class. heh heh.
Stay cool.
love kathryn

Getting To The Heart Of The Matter

2011-06-08T10:42:00.002-06:00

I'm betting you won't guess WHAT this commercial is about until the last !! Voted the BEST commercial ever! Totally made my day. Thank you for sending Linda!! Pass it on.

http://www.angelfire.com/ak2/intelligencerreport/stethoscope.html

I can see a bit of the west mesa this morning. People who live higher may have a better view. The crescent moon was pinkish red last night. A real werewolf moon if there ever was one. and I'm sure there has been one before this.
Jim had his first encounter with "9,000 Needles" at the acupuncturist yesterday. That is an exaggeration - but there were a lot of needles used. She told Jim the first time I went in - she used 4. I was in pretty bad shape. But baby! look at me now!!
love kathryn

This and That Tuesday

2011-06-07T11:55:00.000-06:00

Mom this is for you. Two manicures unearthed fingernails. My first goal after chemo was to grown out my nails. This is a hard habit to break. phil 4 13

I didn't grab my camera fast enough. The sun was bright pink in the midst of the smoke. This was taken just before it faded into the background the skies became a goldenrod color for the remainder of the evening. The smoke is from the fires burning in eastern AZ. A photo in the ABQ journal addressed what the people in eastern AZ and western NM are facing as these fires continue to burn.

This is the rose Jim gave me last summer. You found a great place to plant it. The coreopsis is trying to get all of the glory this year, however, Jim keeps cutting it back so this little beauty can show her colors. Thanks for taking care of it mom.

Jim is improving a bit. We have taken all of his paperwork into the clinic at UNM and have more paperwork to mail out of town. He has been one sick guy. Though there are many things during this event we may never have answers for - we do pray we can find out enough to keep these things from occurring again or at least know how to treat him

"I do not understand the mystery of grace - only that it meets us where we are but does not leave us where it found us."

--anne lamott Traveling Mercies

Matthew 15:21-28

May God's grace capture you today!

love kathryn

Where There's Smoke, Sometimes There Is Not Fire

2011-06-03T10:21:00.000-06:00

We were lazing around last night and suddenly started smelling smoke - which quickly turned into tasting smoke. Fire seems very close...not like a fire in the Bosque. Jim got up to take the dogs outdoors. He said he felt ashes falling on him. This smoke/ash is from a large fire in Arizona. The strong winds were bringing the smoke and ash to Albq and places beyond.
These are moment when I think of the pioneers traveling across the country. They too smelled smoke and felt falling ash - but in their lifetime, they had no clue how close those fires were. There was no television or internet. They either pulled their wagons into a circle and stayed put a while or pressed on. My! those were the bravest of people. In our world of constant communication I believe we have become more cowardly - needing every piece of information we can gather before we make another move.
Right now, we too are traveling with little information on Jim's situation. He is on medical leave and is still experiencing a great deal of pain and is struggling much of the day. We have information to gather to take to UNM/Mind Resource Clinic (this is my name for it - there is a proper name) or to head to AZ to the Barrow Neurological Institute. While there is comfort in knowing there are clinics dealing with neurological illnesses, we are a bit "doctor worn" and a bit skeptical of having to launch into another world of paperwork and possible more "easy answers". We would like to circle our wagons and wait for the smoke to pass.
Jim took such incredible care of me and I am trying to do the same for him. He sleeps a great deal of the time due to pain relief meds, it is a bit different for me in regard to caring for him.
We are very concerned.
We are both reading about neurological problems that are less complex - not easier to diagnose or treat, but less scary. After years of researching illnesses by looking at symptoms, this doesn't get easier. The brain is very complex. We are leary of quick answers. We've already heard 3 - and though they may be good neurologists - they really had nothing to offer in a way of taking care of his problems.
It's easy for me to want to take this on. To fix it. To find all of the answers. We are looking but we realize that God already knows what is going on. He is leading as we are looking.
As I read the other day,
"when you turn from your problems to My Presence, your load is immediately lighter. Circumstances may not have changed, but we carry your burdens together. Your compulsion to "fix" everything gives way to deep, satisfying connection with Me. Together we can handle whatever this day brings." sarah young
We know there is smoke. We know there is a fire burning. We are assured in this news filled society, there are firefighters on the job. We also know God is always in these "refining fires" and we are leaning on him to know the right place to go - so this fire that Jim is experiencing will be brought under control.
We enjoyed seeing Mike, Glenda and Iris Morton yesterday. They included us in their trip to the Grand Canyon. They are dear and precious friends from my childhood and remain to this day. Thanks for the laughter and joy you brought to our home.
"Lean not on your own understanding; trust in the Lord."
love you kathryn

A Little and Powerful Tuesday Prayer and Thanks

2011-05-24T09:26:00.000-06:00

Understanding and compassionate God,

thank you for hearing my prayers,

even when I come with so little faith.

Increase my faith and allow me to surrender to your loving embrace.

Amen.

- Don Saliers

After years of advocating for Molly, my prayer today is for my mouth to stay still and to only advocate if Jim asks. This change is challenging for me. I'm a woman - women like answers. Immediately. We want our family to be healthy - for these are the people we love. As the last line of St. Michael's prayer says "and keep me out of the way". (paraphrase).

Do you know we have the best friends/family in the entire world? We do. We stand back in awe of your care and concern...and for making us laugh. How precious you are.

love you so, kathryn

Resting, Relaxing, Reading & Weeding Weekend...

2011-05-22T18:46:00.000-06:00

Jim has been resting today. He's had some tremors today. We have had a lot of sofa time at our house in the past year and a half. I've pulled weeds, watered, read, tried to nap and moved a bit of furniture around.

It's time for spring flowers. Last week the roses were brilliant; they need a little break and will be brilliant again. So we'll go for geraniums and a real live sweet potato I grew in the house this winter.

Yellow Coreopsis - It has some growing power!

I moved the wicker chairs to the front and found chairs for the patio.

Just a little welcome at the front door.
And that is all for today. A cool breeze started blowing in the
back window. Always welcome.
Scout and Coco have found something else to bark at. Birds singing, winds blowing or a noise at the neighbors. Ever on the alert. For those who can handle it, I found our two dogs and the cat having a morning snack on Friday. The bird was just not quick enough to get away.

I can barely handle it, but they are hunters, however, they do not waste what they kill.
Life is always changing; always challenging -- we are always called upon to
rise to the situations we face. We want to face them with grace and courage. We
know so many who are facing many things and they show grace under fire.
No matter what you are facing - do not forget to smile or better yet - laugh
out loud. It makes you and everyone around you feel better...most of all it
makes you feel you can stand up and get moving again.
love kathryn

Just Call Me "Ned"

2011-05-13T16:03:00.001-06:00

Went to see my oncologist today. Everything is looking good. My blood work (that had come back) was very good. "Great, great, great". We talked about scans in the future. The next one is in July.
I said I want to be "NED". Dr. Clark said, "Your are NED...Today." Yea!!!!
NED=No Evidence of Disease. One day is better than no days. : )
We who have cancer know cancer is never cured. It's always hanging about, but the goal is to keep it from becoming active. You may say it as you wish, "NED" (no evidence of disease) or "Cancer: Inactive. Both are correct. What is incorrect is the word: Cured.
But I can tell you - it felt wonderful to hear that. Made me want to jump up and down like a little kid - wheeeeeee!!!!
The downside of this day, Jim is in the hospital having some tests run. He had an MRI on Tuesday and it revealed some irregularities. They are running some of those "ruling out" tests. Your prayers are always coveted and I am asking for prayers for Jim.
I hope this find your day going well and the weather simply beautiful as well.
love kathryn

Just On My Mind: From the What It's Worth Dept.

2011-05-11T10:20:00.000-06:00

My nighttime dreams have been of the shattered variety. Dreaming of a friend who provides daily care for a mother - a lonely and tiring job but one she fills tirelessly with love and tendercare. A phone call came from her about an hour ago, hospice has said her mother does not have long to live on this side of heaven. Tears flow easily and the hurt of losing her mother weighs on her entire body. We have known one another so long, we stand together in this passing hour. How hard it will be when that time arrives. How wonderful it will be when her mother is reunited with her family again.  I'm dreaming of a family who is struggling with a future; dreaming of a place with doors that lead out and not in. Dreams without connections to anything in particular; jumbled and speeding through my brain - like a night train from the past. I wake wondering what these dreams are working out in me. There is a great deal of processing is going on inside this mind of mine.

Going back a couple of weeks. Jack, Jim's brother brought fresh coffee beans. I pulled out the coffee grinder, filled the container with beans and hit the start button. Nothing. I finally found that the piece that turns on the grinder was no longer working. I jiggled the beans around and pressed the start button. Beans went flying everywhere.  Surprise!  I had forgotten to put the lid back on. Beans half ground beans plus very fine grounds had flown everywhere around me. I took a picture of the mess on the counter and the floor and laughed while cleaning up the mess. I looked at that picture later on and felt a very close kinship to it.
My life.
Parts of me are whole, but scattered. Parts of me are in pieces, half broken - the rest of me is a great mess - laying on the counter and all over the floor; waiting to be brushed into the dust pan to be tossed in the trash
Like those grounds, we've been ground into the dirt as if our lives have no worth or value. Simply something to be ground into the soil by the heel of someones boot.
Friends and their families are suffering losses; unkind words being dished out on facebook accounts with little or no regard for others. Half truths and lies, how easy it is to swipe at others via the internet.   Others are using their accounts as a way to avenge wrongs they feel have been perpetrated on them. Interpersonal relationships are dying.  In the past we have felt anger and frustration with others - and have lashed out - face to face. But the feeling of speaking "our minds" face to face was not easy nor was there any satisfaction in our anger.  Most of the time, it brought us back 'to ourselves' and we needed to make amends. The way to mend was by speaking face to face, by picking up a telephone or writing a long letter.   Writing, in particular, provided an outlet to express our hearts longing for healing. Written words were turned over and over until we found what we felt was just the right word or phrase. It took time and effort on both sides to build bridges back to one another.
This is a rare event in our day. If we do not like what someone has said to us,we cut them off of our email account or deny them access a FB account or ignore their calls on our cell phones. The destruction of relationships continue. Some are slicing the air with their swords only to find there is no one fighting them on the 'other side' - but the fighting words continue. We are eating one another up - alive.
It is frightening sometimes to write on this blog of mine. It's an easy place to hide and not reveal the hours that I struggle with. I do not believe you or I need to reveal every inner thought (speaking of frightening).  Many things are better left unspoken.  You cannot see my face, you only read words that are flat, there is not the normal give and take in a face to face conversation. There is not a person standing across from me praying for me to be wise in my words. Most of all - there is no way for me to assess how words are being taken.

Proverbs 10:19 When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise.

God said, Love One Another and forgive one another as I have forgiven you.

This has been tossed out the window without a thought or a care.

This is weighing on my heart. It has been weighing on my heart for a long time. Who doesn't speak of the refiner's fire working in their lives. I know it this fire is working deep in my life.
There is deep hurt and yet I am finding deeper trust and faith that God is real and is the keeper of promises and sings over us in the night especially when our hearts are troubled and the darkness overwhelms.
To lighten this up - here is one photo of the spilling of the beans! To bad you could not see the floor - it was covered. Thanks Jack for the coffee. ; )

i love you, kathryn

Happy Mother's Day To Family and Friends

2011-05-07T18:52:00.001-06:00

"It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding."

~Erma Bombeck

Mother's Day rarely finds us nothing to do but lounge around the house. However! it is a day to get things we never knew we wanted. We receive these gifts with smiles and hugs and treasure these gifts forever.
Love to you all, kathryn

Flowers: brought to you by two rose bushes in our yard!
(ok 3 posts in one day....you can spread them out as you wish....kas)

The Stephens Brothers Three!

2011-05-07T11:42:00.001-06:00

Jack and Jeff en route to Albq via: Red River, Angel Fire, Taos...in the
valley.

Jeff, Jack and Jim

The other side of the story....

Scout and Coco

Their favorite place - snoozing while Jim

read the Sunday paper.

Jack and Jeff - a wonderful time had by all.

So glad you were able to go through all of the

family photos and papers.

Thank you for making the long trip.

Thanks for the laughter you brought along.

(special thanks to Cathy and Rita - who were left at home

w/work and dogs to care for.)

Saturday's Reflection from Upper Room

2011-05-07T10:53:00.002-06:00

I WAS NEVER astutely aware of my surroundings. A “head in the clouds” kind of person, my family would say. But an encounter with cancer changed all that. As happens with most any traumatic, life-changing event, I came out of that cancer experience with a new appreciation for the people, places and things in my life—and for life itself.
In the midst of it all, when I could do little else but sit on the couch, I often prayed for the strength to get through each day. I was existing in the present, but I was hoping and praying for the future. When the chemotherapy was over, it seemed important to discern the gifts that came from that experience. Of course, the gift of healing came to mind. And after that, the gift of being able to live in the present—to take in the world around me and savor it. To live a life of gratitude.
- Lynne Deming
Alive Now, Jan.-Feb. 2011

I am not a "heads in the cloud" person.
I am intense; yet love to laugh and look at the world through that lens (most of the time).
I enjoy being with people; usually one on one is best - but a small crowd is good too. Yet I need a lot of quiet time and space.
I love God and have doubts and fears. My mighty Father has proven himself trustworthy over and over this past year and a half. He is leading me closer to Jesus and my true self.
The old song "None of Self, But All of Thee" is the direction He is leading me. To be filled with his Spirit and yet to live firmly in the place I am...I'm not yet at the place. I can fully express I may never be at that place. Feeling his Loving Presence is recreating me.
Trust. Hope. Resiliance. Release. Renewal. Thankful. Grace upon Grace.
I am grateful to be vertical most all of the time (daytime hours!) and to sleep well at night.
I am working in our yard which is great. Using my muscles is wonderful. Tiring - yes. And a wonder after a year of being unable to do these things. My first geranium is planted in a large pot out front. Beautiful. I've never had white geraniums before.
I've quoted this often. "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Phil 4:13.
I am going to have another surgery in August and will post about that later. For that is in the future. Today! I am off to buy tomato plants and some other things for our smaller garden this year.
Scout is playing with a piece of wood from the yard. Coco is sound asleep, laying behind me.
Thank you for reading a long post today.
You hearts and lives have touched me deeply. I am filled by your grace and your love. What a great cheer leading section I have! Wow!
love kathryn
The proverbial lamp post shot by Jack Stephens. Last weekend.

Looking Out My Back Door and Into My Heart As Well

2011-04-18T11:53:00.000-06:00

One must use their imagination re: this backdoor.

Now those who know me have heard me complain like the Israelites living in the desert.
"I am not a desert person." (sigh)
"I miss the gardens and flowers on the eastern half of the country." (double sigh)
"I miss the ocean." (where all of life gains perspective - for me)
And we all know what happened to those whining, complaining people; God struck them down. They forgot He brought them out of slavery, He gave them their daily bread and provided water from unusual places and watched over them day and night. This has run through my mind so often. So...Stop that, Kathryn. And last year, I did (well, I have my moments). I am getting better. The desert is a teacher if only there is a learner.
High winds, airborne tumbleweeds, dust in your teeth, ears and on open toes - not so much fun....but it is an adventure to see what flies past your car window.
When we moved into this house, the former owner covered the "Hated Hill" with black plastic. Obviously, she hoped by covering it, it would just go away. The hill didn't go away; but the spring winds sent the plastic whipping and finally tearing into a lot of little pieces. We were now having to face a very ugly hill. It only intensified my feelings of this desert life. Ugly, void of life.
The desert.
bah humbug.
Finally we decided (after mulling over many, many options) to get some rocks (thanks to the Lee's) and add desert plants. No cactus - but plants that require little or no water.
This 8 year season has provided a lot of time to think. Just like the black plastic was placed on the hill to cover something ugly, I have tried to cover over aspects of my life that have come up many times. No matter how many rocks I would set on that 'black plastic', the wind would open up a corner and I could see underneath. I have experienced, first hand, life is about constant change, interruption, learning over and over to accept things we do not want to accept, sorrow and joy, peace and eruptions.
I walked outdoors this morning and saw the beauty of the once 'hated hill'. God is working on me - perhaps I've been a hill in his hand and he's planted, waited, weeded, watered, tended to and has given me a window into how much he loves me. I know this is long...but from this hill and the flowers that live in the rocks; the giver of Grace gives me great delight -- yes, even in this desert land. I've found God clears out spaces on the hill in my heart, creating space to see beauty inside and out. How is God tilling the soil in your heart today?
I hope today you will be surprised by God and you will time to thank him who makes beauty from ashes (or an ugly hill).
lovingly, kathryn

From the hill....

Phylox and other things

These spring up from the rocks (rocks are sitting on black plastic).
I have tried to plant them in the soil.
They found their proper home. Surprise!

Some tulips are doing their best to stick around. Will add more bulbs to the hill in the fall.

How Many Slams in an Old Screen Door?

2011-04-09T11:51:00.002-06:00

"How many slams in an old screen door? Depends how loud you shut it. How many slices in a bread? Depends how thin you cut it. How much good inside a day? Depends how good you live 'em. How much love inside a friend? Depends how much you give 'em."

~shel silverstein

Take a stroll through this screen door for a little view of spring - from our backyard to you!

A little pause at the kitchen table. Scout could not believe the letters she drew..."if I only had an "e"...(sigh)

Our yellow tulips, standing together - so tall and beautiful will be laying on their sides after the winds grind them down today. They are just beautiful. I love the crowd. "Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken." Ecclesiastes 4:12

If I was a Tulip
And you were wind’s-wings,
I would not count
My broken dreams,
But bless the coming spring.
I would let you see me
In colors-
Pink, yellow and red.
You’d find me blooming
By the riverbed
Or, down in the valley
By the little creek,
To make proud
The water falls,
To make you feel meek.
But strong winds
Of late May
Again could make me weak.
My petals scattered
On the ground
And gone in a week.
But I will come again
To let you see…
Life is but a circle,
I will bloom
Again next spring:
Isn’t it a miracle?
I would be happy
To know that you would
Touch my face
When the sun sets in.
I would feel you in full force,
Gently from within.
You would come to me
Each day-
Again to disappear,
But when the sun’s-rays
Touch at noon-
Again I would feel you near.

The blowing in the wind lilac bush. Wish the flowers
would last all summer long.

Now it's time to walk back through the screen door and start my day - since it's now 11:40 a.m. Thanks for sharing the morning with me.

Every promise of God proves true;

he protects everyone who runs to him for help.

Proverbs 30: 5a

Happy Weekend to all, Happy Birthday to David (late) and to Wyatt!! And many, many more.

love kathryn

Monday Finds Me Full of Thanks

2011-04-04T15:32:00.000-06:00

After rather a harrowing event on the San Juan River this Saturday. Involving an unexpected heart attack, a boat that 'simply appeared', an incredible rower, who should apply for US Olympic Crew Team. There was an awaiting ambulance and EMTs. Though low on oxygen, they managed to "scrape" some up for David, arriving at the Regional Medical Center in Farmington. Thank you Jeremy, wherever you live. He rowed his boat in record time - upstream. What should have been a 2 hour trip upstream, took him 40 min. We give you a round of applause and hearty thanks. David was admitted to the Regional Medical Center in Farmington. After initial treatment he made his own decision to come to Albuquerque. A pilot and air ambulance team brought him safely home. He was attended by a great cardiologist and staff. He required a stent and two angioplasty (ties??). His color was back on Sunday afternoon. Tired, but up to visiting with friends and family. We are all filled with great thankfulness David is home today - seeing one of his favorite people, Kate, their granddaughter.
To Bruce Burnham, Bill Estes, Joe Statszula and "Mo"....you may not have the medical knowledge but you proved you knew where to get your strength and courage from - calling on our Father who knew exactly what was needed and He provided every good thing. This weekend provided all of us an opportunity to "look deeply" at our lives. How quickly we go from standing on solid ground to being down on a small place in a roaring river - waiting for help to arrive. Help arrived before it was called upon. How mighty and powerful our all knowing Father provides for us.
I am grateful today for I found out the 'lesion' on my spine and sternum are benign. I get to get out my crayons and mark off two more tests and Praise God for these wonderful results. For those of you fighting cancer right now - I'm praying fervently for you. Cancer is such a sneaky, desperate creature. Cancer survivors can go for months or years and without knocking at the door, make a bold entrance and wreak a great deal of havoc. Or it can decide it is finished with you, but your mind never forgets. You go on about your life and enjoy the good things - grateful for another good day; praying for those who are not doing as well.
After powerful, desert winds yesterday, the day is lovely. A light breeze and cooler.
Two dogs are piled on top of one another - this ol' girl is going to join the dog pile and see what is playing on the underside of my eyelids.

May you have

the vision to recognize

the door that is yours,

courage to open it,

wisdom to walk through.

jan l. richardson

Let your living spill over into thanksgiving.

Col. 2:7

Your prayers and thoughts fill me with great peace, calm and happiness;; today I am "spilling over" for many reasons.

Bless You!!!

love kathryn

In Honor Of Aunt Vivian

2011-03-31T10:01:00.000-06:00

Vivian Edna Drum Burch

(August 7, 1906 - March 28, 2011)

Vivian Edna Drum Burch, 104 years young, was born to William E. and Ella Burns Drum on August 7th, 1906, on a farm 8 ½ miles SE of Waverly, Kansas. She went to be with her Heavenly Father on March 28, 2011. Funeral services will be held at 2:00 P.M., Thursday, March 31, 2011, at the Harvey-Douglas Centennial Chapel with Rev. Roger Wood officiating. Interment will follow at Hillcrest Memorial Park. The family will gather and receive friends at the Harvey-Douglas Funeral Home on Wednesday, from 6:00 to 7:00 P.M.

Vivian’s grandfather Edward Drum immigrated to America during Ireland’s potato famine. She was very proud of her Irish heritage. Vivian graduated from Ottawa University in 1931. In 1933, she completed Medical Technician training at St. Joseph’s Hospital in Kansas City, Missouri. After training, she moved to Ardmore, Oklahoma to take a job at the Hardy Sanitarium.

She met the love of her life, Richard Burch, in Ardmore on a blind date in 1933. They were married on February 16th, 1935. They enjoyed fishing, traveling and playing golf together.

Vivian was a life long Methodist who faithfully went to church all of her life. Vivian was very creative and wrote several books of poetry. She was also a very big University of Oklahoma sports fan, and had attended the game against Notre Dame that broke the 47 game winning streak.

She was preceded in death by her parents, William E. Drum in 1930, and Ella Burns Drum in 1959; a sister, Wilma Drum Maxwell in 1987; and her husband Richard Burch in 1993.

Vivian is survived by her daughter, Wenona Scrivner and husband Tom of Reydon, Oklahoma; granddaughter Kim Ward and special friend Karen Crane of Norman, Oklahoma, and Tracey Wirth and husband Jack, of Plainview, Texas; two great grandchildren, Thomas Wirth and Jaci Wirth of Plainview, Texas; a nephew Noel Maxwell and wife Ann and family and the surviving Burch family members.

Several months ago I posted one her her poems. There are many - she was a prolific writers. Though her life was full of challenges, she remained ever kind, sweet and will so deeply missed. God bless and keep those who took such goood care of her. To my great aunts and uncle - sincerest sympathy. I sense there is a deep sense of loss for all of the Burch family. I'm thankful to have joined the Round Robin letter several years ago so I could get acquainted with Aunt Vivian through her writing. I do believe, everyone jumped to her letters and poetry first. O! how we'll miss that. Thank you Aunt Vivian for being such a great example of how to live - live long and deep your sweet disposition.
love kathryn

Great Reviews! : )

2011-03-28T18:55:00.000-06:00

Smile.
   Laugh.
     Dance a bit.
       Prayers answered in the affirmative.
I saw my breast surgeon today. After another ultrasound and comparisons with latest test - I am fine. I will not have to have another ultrasound until July. So very happy, I danced all of the way out of the office. A pleased patient, a happy doctor and P.A. Hugs all around.
I'm sitting here watching the Lady Vols...Notre Dame is killing us. Go Vols.
Going to relax a while.
Thank you for to those who have been in prayer over this latest test. May it be well with you.
love kathryn

Monday Noon

2011-03-28T12:13:00.000-06:00

Donna sent this to me a moment ago. Please click on arrow to open, turn on speakers, sit back and listen. love kathryn

No Bag of Bones Here

2011-03-12T22:06:00.001-07:00

We are much more than a "bag of bones". I just posted a few photographs that shows two different bodies.  My family body. We are all created by God, entering our family by blood, sweat and tears - from our mother's body. Some stay with their original family, others are adopted into a new family.  Jim and I also live our lives as part of the body of believers in Jesus Christ. We too live, breathe and try to take care of that body as well.
Our physical body that is constructed of blood, veins, organs, skin etc. We share a genetic bond with people we do not even know. Our DNA was spun hundred and hundreds of years ago - providing each one of us a unique and fascinating body.
My acupuncturist was talking about the strength of my body. She began working with me last spring. She has a special gift of listening - not only to my words, but to my body. She has an instinct for hearing what is hurting and where to place her needles to achieve the greatest good. When you are being assaulted by poison, her work on me was tender and consistent - never pushing beyond what I could take physically.
I saw her this past week. She has always been very vocal about how strong my body is- in spite of the chemicals I was taking. She spoke from the first day of the 'great strength' I had. I thought instantly of Philippians 4:13. "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." I spoke those words, prayed those words - believing to my core that those simple words hold great promise and power. Words to be trusted.
Last summer I became very ill. Due to enzymes built into my DNA, I not only had every side effect of the drugs I was taking, my body was "allergic" to chemo - taking me on a journey close to the edge. Even though I traveled close to edge of this life and even though my body became very weak; I survived.  Many prayed for strength and for the recovery of my physical body. We are fearfully and wonderfully made - this body of ours is incredible; remaining a mystery to doctors and researchers even to this day.
My acupuncturist came to my hospital room. She not only set her needles, but sat with me, telling me again how very strong I was. She commented over and over how rare it was to be 'this sick' yet be so very strong.
I am grateful for the level of strength and wellness I was given and am still receiving. I sat with many strong people. They walked into the cancer center on their own two feet - spoke words of encouragement and shared in the laughter. Though I am a witness to their strong bodies and their inner strength, the disease was either too widespread or moving too quickly, they did not survive. But I am a witness to their strength and drew deeply from their "true grit".
We recently visited with a friend who had two different forms of cancer - he went through a great deal of suffering with his surgery and deal with pain at this time. He would also agree his strength came through Jesus Christ.
My acupuncturist asked me to write about the power we have to heal. I can speak of that inherent gift - for we are created to live and be strong.  However, I believe that power is deeper than our physical bodies and human minds can mandate.
To those who have recently lost loved ones and dear friends, you may believe differently.  You are hurting and looking for answers. Our human bodies are not made to live forever. And though that may not be at all comforting to those hurting, God said He knows the number of our days.
Reading Dr. Groopman's books he speaks vividly about the human body and the strength of the human spirit - even when pushed to limits we do not want to imagine, we can survive and 'live again'.
Speaking of bodies - I have a "spot" on my spine and sternum.  I've had deep bone and joint pain - which may just be arthritis and the effects of chemo (which is also powerful and can create some havoc even after the treatments are in the past). I have a "spot" on my skull. I've had two xrays on my skull and both times the report states it is the same size and may be venous lakes. I have to return to the imaging center for another mammogram and ultrasound. To date all tests have been negative. I like negative test results. I'm optimistic the upcoming xray of my skull, MRI of my sternum and back, mammogram/ultrasound & bone scan will be cancer free.

The joy of the Lord is my strength.

Thank You God for our physical bodies, for strength for our days - even when your body fails to live up to your expectations - we have been given an incredible gift.
Have a great week,
love kathryn

Family: A Photo Album

2011-03-12T19:57:00.002-07:00

Left to Right: me, Mom, my sister, Teresa...also mother of the bride, Leah Kathryn, not pictured : )

Jim and Kathryn

David and Leah Kathryn's Wedding

me and Janet (Alexander) Hamilton - friends circa 1976. love you! Janet

(L to R) Christine, daughter in law of Dan and Teresa,

Emma! Alan and Christine's daughter

Teresa and Kathryn

"Billie Jean" is Emma's song!!

Speeding forward...a couple of weeks ago

New & dear friends

(L to R)

Thu Fenno, Kathryn and Wyatt Fenno

We met on the eve of the trip to Colorado for Molly's decompression surgery (for chiari). We had dinner with Bill & Donna Estes that evening and they invited Thu and Wyatt to join us. We had a great evening, laughing, getting acquainted with these Texans who arrived here via Oklahoma. We were blessed by the evening and by the prayers of our dear friends for Molly's doctors, nurses and for her protection during the surgery. Wyatt and Thu will walk through fire for their church family. They have proven this to us. They have gone where angels fear to tread and blessed our lives by showing God's grace and great mercy. We love you and are glad you and your beautiful family are in our lives - not only every time the church meets formally but in our daily lives as well. True believers in the God who also shares His heart with us. Thank you for being part of our lives.

Deep Roots of Spring and Friendship

2011-02-22T17:26:00.002-07:00

Spring is sooner recognized by plants than by men. ~Chinese Proverb

So the why am I ever surprised when I walk the dogs out on a February morning to find the bulbs ears peeking out from the earth? I have to enjoy the green leaves for March winds and some late winter storms can make short work of my lovely daffodils.

and last but not ever the least....

Left to right:

Kate! her mother, Rebecca, Peggy's daughter, Peggy, Rebecca's mother and Kate's grandmother, Bee, Peggy's sister, Rebecca's aunt and Kate's Great Aunt, (how wonderful to see you again and actually eat a meal together) Kathryn and Jana, funny and dear friend.

A fast but delicious time - and the food was good as well.

O, the comfort, the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person; having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but to pour them all out, just as they are, chaff and grain together, knowing that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then, with the breath of kindness, blow the rest away.
--George Eliot

(and Ruthie....the legacy of friendship gets sweeter as the years go by. Thank you for being the first to introduce this poem to me.)

With much love, kathryn

Faithful in Prayer

2011-02-18T10:20:00.000-07:00

I believe this is enough for the day. "Give us our daily bread" - not only physical the feeding of our spirit. May God bless you with joy and hope, patience and faithfulness.
Love kathryn

"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer." Romans 12:12

A Gentle Reminder....So Pay Attention!!!

2011-02-15T17:52:00.006-07:00

March is Colorectal Health Month

Blue is the color for colorectal cancer survivors.

If you are experiencing these symptoms:

In its early stage, colorectal cancer usually produces no symptoms. The most likely warning signs include:

Changes in bowel movements, including persistent constipation or diarrhea, a feeling of not being able to empty the bowel completely, an urgency to move the bowels, rectal cramping, or rectal bleeding

Dark patches of blood in or on stool; or long, thin, "pencil stools"

Abdominal discomfort or bloating

Unexplained fatigue, loss of appetite and/or weight loss

Pelvic pain, which occurs at later stages of the disease

Call Your Doctor About Colorectal Cancer If:

You notice a change in your bowel movements, experience bleeding from the rectum, or notice blood in or on your stool. Don't assume you have hemorrhoids; your doctor will most likely perform a rectal examination and possibly a sigmoidoscopy or schedule a colonoscopy -- an examination that involves a long flexible tube inserted in your rectum.

You experience persistent abdominal pain, unusual weight loss, or fatigue. These symptoms may be due to other causes, but they could also be linked to cancer.

You are diagnosed with anemia. In determining its cause, your doctor should check for bleeding from the digestive tract because of colorectal cancer.

Reading this is step one. Step Two: Contact your doctor and make an appointment. The time to take action is today!
Call NOW!

If you have not had a colonoscopy and are either experiencing symptoms or have reached the age of 50, symptoms or not.
Take care of yourself and
get 'er done!
(and to a few of you who are putting off getting a colonoscopy, I know who you are and know where you live and where you attend church. I've got your number, a car and will deliver and take you home).

A Happy Valentine's Day To All!

2011-02-14T09:51:00.000-07:00

"They who meet on an April night are forever lost in love, if there's moonlight all about and there's no moon above."

~E.Y. "Yip" Harburg and Fred Saidy, dialogue just before the song "Old Devil Moon" in the musical Finian's Rainbow

Jim and Kathryn met on an April night...4/23/78 - we have not a clue about the moon.

(thanks KH for the beautiful cheesecake! delicious)

Or you could say this is the truest love of all

Happiness is a warm puppy.

--charles m. schulz

even when you are trying to get some work done - there is nothing better than this!

Love is faithful, love is kind, does not brood over injuries.

God's love never fails.

Nothing is better than a hug or ten, all the while, smiling in the arms of your

sweetest heart.

Then share a chocolate of two.

Happy Valentine's Day!

With deep affection and love and a hug,

kathryn

Winter Time Memories (and who does not have those??)

2011-02-08T10:21:00.002-07:00

A chilly morning out here in the land of enchantment. The skies are turning that dark shade of winter blue. I KNOW there are those of you who are so tired of snow and that "certain shade of blue".
That "blue sky" reminds me of home. Mom cooking at the stove, 3 bleary eyed children, staring into their bowls of oatmeal and that "blue, winter sky". We somehow manage to get dressed for school, head out to the back porch/mudroom, each complaining about having to wear galoshes to school. "They hurt the back of my legs." (and they did, they were hard rubber/plastic and as soon as that winter wind hit them, they hit us back). We walked out the backdoor and immediately started searching for the snow that had been frozen over during the night. I loved to walk on top of the snow. I was a short kid, (now I just think tall). From my frozen tower, I felt like some caretaker of the land - able to see things from a different perspective and enjoy this look as if from a tower. The world all dressed in a brilliant white. Whooosh, the frozen snow gives way and now my boots are filled to the brim with snow. hmmm. The dilemma....remove my boots and shake out the snow or continue on, reaching school with no feeling left in my feet. Teresa seemed to just be on a mission - I don't remember her stopping to help me - she just marched on. Of course, her boots hit her about at knee level. She was shorter than I was, so her boots really were a help. She can tell her own story.
It's been a many years since I've walked any distance on top of iced over snow. Past the lilac bushes and the maple tree - a train whistle blowing in the distance. Walking through our set path, between houses and chain link fences and crossing the "big" street (1st) street right by the 'creek'. Sometimes we'd meet up with friends, other days we'd walk together. I wonder what we talked about? I see in my faded memory laughter and other times tears and other times - just enjoying the walk. We walked 7 blocks, 4 times a day. From kindergarten through 6th grade. It was a rare occasion one of my parents picked us up from school. It was our routine and don't think we gave it much thought.
This morning made me remember our long Kansas winters. We built a lot of forts, made stacks of snowballs and usually ended up in the house, crying, because one of the boys hit us too hard with their super-hard packed snowballs. I liked to just make tracks in the snow with my boots. Sometimes the night time snow fall let my trails covered, yet I could still see my work. I had been there, My time in the snow was not erased. That was comforting. Like seeing my mud pies the day after I made them. I had been there. My work remained.
Growing up in the heartland, I wonder if the farmers felt like that. The farmers planted wheat or other grains and as theses fields filled up - they too knew they had been there and they were producing a harvest for others to use. Now, no one used my snow paths or my mud pies - but I had produced something - even if it was for myself. It made me feel good.
Whatever you are doing today is leaving an impression - either on you or on others. It's important to glance back and see where you've been and know you are present in this day - making another mark. Don't forget to plant the seed of kindness as you are walking along. That makes more of a difference than my boots ever did in the snow.
love you,
kathryn
p.s. i didn't mention this one time. It was Wednesday after church. All of the kids were running and playing in the parking lot (we could talk for hours about this....an unlit parking lot, with ice and snow...).
I went over to our car. There, all freshly iced over, the car door handle. Just waiting for me. uh huh, i did. I stuck out my tongue. It was like a very powerful magnet and I was stuck. It is very hard to scream when your tongue is stuck to a car part. I just stood there, looking down at my feet, wondering how to escape the door handle. I did what any intelligent...(I was proving by the moment how intelligent I was) person would have done - I ripped my tongue from those icicles and the car door handle. Never mentioning this to my mom or dad, on the ride home, I had toilet paper stuck to my tender tongue. These are thing you just didn't tell adults, they wouldn't understand. (right?) So, if you want an icicle, break it off the roof of some building. And how many times did we did that??! Yuk!

Test #1

2011-02-05T12:55:00.000-07:00

All is clear and fine in the lymph nodes in my neck!!!!. I'm celebrating by reading a book, writing on the computer, eating vinegar/salt potato chips and enjoying a Dr. Pepper.
The Joy of the Lord will be my Strength!! Thank you for your prayers. After I celebrate here, I'll get to dusting for a bit and sit down and snooze a bit.

Love kathryn

As There Are No Atheists in Foxholes....

2011-02-03T21:58:00.000-07:00

there are no atheists laying on medical tables either. Tomorrow, I have a test involving an ultrasound wand/monitor. Tuesday - a brain scan. When Dr. C was not making small talk a few weeks ago. He said I would be watched very closely. I've been very, very blessed. All of the last tests have been negative.  Anticipating these tests will follow suit.
and February's calendar is no longer empty.
The dogs are wondering what happened to their backyard. The back of the house is always the last place to melt after a snowfall.  Jim and I scrape the snow away so they can see the grass, however Coco and Scout would much rather chose their own spot.
We're supposed to see 33 degrees tomorrow. Have to break out the lawn chairs and sunscreen - for us and the dogs.
To my Texas family and friends. Find a warm spot, cook great amounts of good food, find a good book or project and stay indoors.
I guess I will cheer for the Steelers for the Superbowl this Sunday.  Honestly, I'm waiting for March Madness. We both really enjoy college basketball. Go Vols!
Reading some good books and getting back to my knitting bag. Great to be able to concentrate on both of things again.
"This is what the Lord says - your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel;
I am the Lord your God, who teaches you what is best for you, who directs you in the way you should go." Isaiah 48:17
Prayers especially for Mike M., Simone and Bev.
Good Night from bitterly cold but clear Albuquerque.
love kathryn

During and After the Storm

2011-02-02T10:16:00.000-07:00

Tuesday: All are settled in. Jim is working at home, Sophie is staring out the window; mesmerized by the snowfall. It is a winter wonderland. I do realize this vicious storm is affecting millions of people. May there be a port in every storm for all at risk. I know I'm of the minority who loves snowfall. I lived in New England - it was still one of the things I loved most - for we didn't receive as much as snow as you may be thinking, for we lived on an island. Heavy snowfall is more rare than you may think (not so this year!!)
"The Thin Man" is on TMC. William Powell and Myrna Loy were the "perfect couple, working as sleuths, no matter how many times I've seen it, it is still good. And Astor - their brilliant and perceptive dog.
I didn't have to get up and head over to the cancer clinic today (is that good planning or what?). I do miss "my people", but today is a good day to hang out at home.
This evening it will be time to bring out the Scrabble board (if I can stay awake) and eat some homemade soup.
Wednesday. Almost finished a book and did quite a bit of knitting yesterday. I found out my thyroid numbers are low as well as my Vitamin D levels. ah HA! I will have energy to burn once these things start doing their job. Good news is always welcome. It's going to be a while before I'm not jittery over "every little thing". This helps those jitters.
Still doing my physical therapy and have to brave the cold this afternoon. The sun is out but I think once again, it's that deceptive sun. "I'm here, but I'm not really putting forth much heat". The snow is gorgeous this a.m. The sun creates a blinding blend of beauty - there's nothing else like it. (ok, the ocean on a summer evening tops it, but this is what we have : ) and it's lovely.
There are still many burdens on our hearts. God knows what those burdens are. We pray like we've never prayed. We are learning about these attributes - faith, trust, God's time, God's surprises, that tears are gifts from God, that sometimes are prayers are nothing more than whispering the name of Jesus when words fail. We know God knows the entire story, that he works through everything and everyone; even when we are astounded, we remember the stories of old. We can say to one another, remember this particular story or that one? They are like salve for our bruised souls.
To Bev - I pray healing for your skin, your swollen legs, for another chemo or treatment to be kinder to your body and available to you.
It was good to be with everyone at Montgomery on Sunday. Your hugs and support are precious gifts - each one of you.
For those still having snow days, enjoy being indoors, playing games, dusting(!), cooking or reading a good book you've been waiting for time to read.
Love to all, kathryn
For today, from one of my devotionals I too bid you peace....on all levels of your life.

For the sake of my relatives and friends I will say, "Peace be within you."

For the sake of the house of the LORD our God, I will seek your good.

Psalms 122:8-9

First Step Out Of The Boat

2011-01-25T16:33:00.000-07:00

For the first time since diagnosis - I have a 2 week break from blood work. I will go back on the 3rd week and then 3 weeks after that. I have a couple of tests and waiting for one test result. All of my blood work looks good. Fatigue is ongoing; more intense than it really was when I was on treatment. It's hard work getting all of these blood cells to wake up and get moving again. Chemo affects everything from A to Z and things I have no clue about.
Changes. Life's constant. My favorite receptionist has left the center. I will miss her terribly. She's been on the front lines - such encouragement and my own personal cheerleader (me and 500 others). She is missed.
I ran into my first nurse. She too has moved to another department - it was great to see Marcia again. She was the bright spot on those early Tuesday's last winter/spring.
Feeling a little unsteady as I step out of the boat. Everyone who walks into the doors at the cancer center as a patient, looks ahead to the time they will cut back on visits, but when it happens, it is like climbing the ladder to the high dive. You decide you're going up, to prove to yourself you are brave, big and tough and yet each step up, the lump in your throat gets bigger as your mouth gets drier. Then "whoosh" you're off the board. The big "gulp" turns into a big smile, 'whew, made it'.
Now, to move even further ahead, get my legs under me again, turn the fatigue monitor to off and again, learn to live in the moment. Second guessing is part of life with cancer. I believe it takes a full year to believe you have been diagnosed - this year will be a good year to accept it and take as many giant steps forward as I can; when I can.
Good evening!
love kathryn

By the way...

2011-01-21T09:18:00.000-07:00

Theses roses are for you - for Valentine's Day - for loving me and supporting my family. You, like their incredible fragrance, wafts through cyberspace. Close you eyes and take a whiff or two. I love you!
kathryn

I Was Born Under Wandering Star.....

2011-01-20T09:52:00.003-07:00

Jesus said
present time
is where you live your life
heart open
each moment
no past — future worry — just
loving in the now.
~Ann Freeman Price

It took a little thing like cancer to drive me right into the moment. Now. Today. This hour, this next 30 minutes. This minute as I drink a cup of coffee.
Those who know me very well, know the desert is not my 'cup of tea'. I would much rather see the Atlantic or the Pacific out my rear view window. Then turning to drive for miles through large trees whose branches whisper hello as they are bent and waving their lush branches, meandering through, coming out on the other side to find a rich, green valley, a white church, country store and some picket fences along the road.
A few days ago, I went to a doctor's appointment on the West Mesa. The day was as clear as glass. The cottonwood trees that live by the river do not drop all of their leaves in the winter. They were this color of golden, burnt sienna (thanks for years with Crayons). The sun gave them a brilliance that was almost as blinding to the eye as they are in the fall, as they turn that shocking shade of yellow. The water in the Rio Grande doesn't not roar down, it doesn't necessarily run, it simply meanders in it's own sweet time - the little water that there may be. Live in the moment.
Every "clip" that ran through my mind was a reminder of time and how we are rushing about; forgetting to remember to live 'right now'....to enjoy shriveled up leaves on winter trees, to see if there is any water charting its path downstream, to look up and see a gaggle of crows (is that a gaggle?) rummaging through someones backyard, working for their dinner.
Mom sent me the family photos. Talk about taking a slow stroll through the past. This kind of strolling is good for your soul. You think of those who have left such a mark on your life. Those you do not know, but you know someone did and they left an impression on my parents lives. I made up a small box of Leah's pictures, as I am doing for the rest of my siblings, nieces and nephews. It was great fun to remember them as babies and toddlers. Memories are fun to pull out of an old photo album. However, to live there; to want to go back to the past is impossible and not good. We remember those things of the past, but we move into today and find reasons for joy, time to praise God for this new day, for good times. To look around our homes and thank God for all we have 'right here, right now'. O! this has been a lesson for me like no other lesson that has come my way. To learn to be content. In those areas of life that are less than satisfactory; to accept that God is walking with me in his time. Sometimes I'm slow and he never runs ahead. He just keeps time. I think Johnny Cash wrote a song on "rhythm"...faded memory (if I'm wrong, correct me). I think today is a day of listening and experiencing the rhythm of living.
God bless and keep my friends, Lisa, Jeff, Lori and Johnny, fiance' to Lori, caregiver and dear friend of the Sanders' family. Mr. Sanders graduated from this life this week. Our hearts and thoughts are with them continually.
Now to be a little Robin Williams: Carpe Diem!!!
love you kathryn

Now To Just Have Taken Our Camera!

2011-01-10T16:31:00.002-07:00

We arrived in Albuquerque about 7:30 last night. We went to Grapevine for my niece's wedding. Leah Kathryn and David Freeze are officially husband and wife.
Sweetest rehearsal dinner and wedding I believe I've attended. She is the Princess Bride - a movie she enjoys was played out in real life. (well, not all of it, I saw no horses or giants or the swapping of wine by two men). A good time was had by all. A most relaxing and loving wedding.
Today is a bitterly cold day, the sun being beat out by the winter winds and Arctic air.
We took Coco and Scout and they enjoyed the travel as well - making themselves right at home in the hotel room. However, they too are tired today. We have been the proverbial crib rats.
My mom looked wonderful, my cousin, Linda was there and looked great as well. We also got to see Janet (Alexander) Hamilton and enjoyed some time together.
We have never attended a wedding where grilled cheese sandwiches were served. We may have to make that the mark of a great wedding from now on. They were perfect as well as the rest of the food.
My great niece, Emma, loved the band and rocked out (she is 9 mos old) to "Billie Jean". She can really keep up with the beat of the music. Great band, by the way.
We had a wonderful time. We enjoyed the company, the food, the wedding and meeting Alan's in laws as well as Leah's new family.
We are also glad to be back home again. I did OK. I couldn't travel that distance on a regular basis. Sitting in a car is very tiring, who knew that? I am a road warrior and never thought twice about jumping in the car and driving long distances. Now, I do.
The Lee's hosted Sophie, the cat. She may never want to live here again. She was treated royally by her hosts and we thank YOU for being so willing to take her at the last moment. Cats are quite sufficient, but I think by the end of our trip, she would have been beside herself. She loves her canned food and someone to talk back to. Thank you, David and Peggy.
We are mindful of those families who have been devastated by the tragic shooting in Tucson, AZ. We're think of all who lost their loved ones, no one person is more special than the other - but the 9 yr old girl who lost her life...it states over and over again, that our lives are but a vapor.
Love one another; make amends, be kind, live with an open hand and an open heart. Imagine her parents telling her to have a good time and enjoy the opportunity she was going to have - never dreaming it would be the last time they would see her alive. The federal judge - the same story, a quick hello to the Senator and home with his bag of groceries.
All of these people have touched and been touched by many lives. Their families are never going to be the same, nor will those who were close to them. Praying that God will bless them and bring what they need into their lives.
Back to nap time as the sun makes it's way down on this side of the earth to wake those on the other side. Isn't that just a wonder? One sun is shared around the world. Rising and setting while we are carrying on our lives. I watch it set most every evening..a reminder that God loves us so and takes care of us in the most incredible manner. The perfect amount of light and darkness; seasons that come and go - always right on time. What is a wonder to you?
i love you!
kathryn

RJ

2011-01-05T12:06:00.002-07:00

kathryn and ruthie, 2010

So guess who is coming to dinner? Ruthie! Our first guests and dear family friends, were here last week.

I haven't downloaded Jeff and Lisa's photos yet. I'll get to that this evening (I hope). Another story of deep friendship...

This girl has been in my life since 1974. Naturally, after months of my boss touting the incredible find she made when Ruthie applied for a job at Colonial Florist, Stillwater, OK, I hated her. She was beautiful, smelled wonderful, wore beautiful clothing and was "so talented and going to be such an asset to our little world".

On an August morning, high on humidity and heat, low on make up and tolerance - in walks this beautiful, gorgeous creature. Lovely, happy, helpful, wanting to be "a part of the team". She walked to the Xerox machine and said, Hi, I'm Ruthie Jones. I probably snarled at her (knowing her by all of the descriptive terms we'd been hearing for months) - Hi, I'm Kathryn Parker.....Jordan. She quickly said, well, which is it?

By noon, we were best friends. Planning meals, eating out at cheap dives for lunch and spending every waking hour together. On December 4th, my first husband, Arliss Jordan, took his own life. Ruthie is the one I called to come and take me home to our apt. She stuck with me through most of the night. I remember my friend, Alisha, spending one night with me. My memories are very broken - some are very strong and most are just fragments.

Ruthie and Keith filled my days with love and friendship - though in deep shock, they were there for me...as were so many other people. Relatives, friends, acquaintances - all holding me up and brushing me off and praying for me to be able to get myself glued back together again. God's grace and mercy and tender loving kindness brought me through that stormy time.

Ruthie and Keith moved away in May after Keith graduated from OSU. One day, after moving to Okla City, I was so at loose ends, feeling so lost; needing someone who knew "me then". I called Ruthie. We picked up right where we left off. I spent many weekends in Snyder OK. There was a lot of talk, a lot of laughter, some sledding on the huge interstate circle on inner tubes, a lot of working through our lives together. We are "knit in heart"....Arliss' death brought us to a level of friendship that is indescribable. I love her with my whole heart. She's been through many difficult journey's as well. God has this amazing ability to put people together. And keep bringing them together as the years unfold.

I love you RJ. Can't wait for you to get here. Sophie is patting her little feet right now.

Enjoy your day,

love kathryn

Lovely and Bitterly Cold Sunday Brrrrrrr

2011-01-02T11:51:00.005-07:00

January 2, 2011
From his fullness we have received, grace upon grace. John 1:16

The best news of the day is found in John. The Word spoke and creation exploded into being. I look out the back window of our house and see hundreds of things He spoke into being. The volcano's, pine and evergreen, pyrocantha, trees of great variety.
I look beside me, he created Coco and Scout. I look at myself and know he created me - to be his child, to go through trials and great joys, to become a mother, to enjoy laughter and funny people and strange things that fill this earth, a person who loves to read, cook, eat, share what is running through my mind, loving others, working to understand others ideas that are different from mine and love the differences, driving, though that is on hold for a bit. I appreciate acupuncture and receive great relief from JinLin's gentle touch. My doctors, Dr. Clark, Dr. Glass, Dr. Brown, Mindy O'Neil and nurses to numerous to name. I love my animals, I love Jim and Molly and Dain from the depths of my heart - what a great gift. I do not understand all of this, but am glad it was placed in my heart by God's love. I love to garden and see the results of putting plants into the ground;; enjoy the bounty with more than enough to share....isn't that the point of gardening anyway? to share? To watch these dogs and this weird cat and all of their antics. To have dear friends come and stay with us. To have a slice of my dad's great sense of humor and sharp wit. To have my mother's hands and feet to work and do things I enjoy. To have the love of Jesus...."deep down in my heart". I pray it that it will be reflected in my daily life.
To you - You are so very dear and precious. Gems that fill my heart and reflect to brightly in my life.
i love you,
kathryn

New Year's Day Is Every Man's Birthday

2010-12-31T08:32:00.001-07:00

Into the New Year
Friday’s Reflection

TAKE ME INTO A NEW YEAR, Gracious God. Help me to continue looking for meaning, seeking peace, praying for light, dancing for joy, working for justice, and singing your praise. I go into the new year filled with expectations, a touch of worry, and a bundle of hope. I do not journey into the new year alone but with you as my guide, with a commitment to my disciplines, with a community of family, friends, and faith. Take me into the new year, Creator of beauty and wonder. Bless me with the companionship of Jesus, and gift me with the guidance and power of the Spirit. Amen.
- Larry James Peacock
Openings: A Daybook of Saints, Psalms, and Prayer

It is 16 degrees, wind chill - cold. It is so brilliant - so eye piercingly clear outside this morning. A perfect ending of mornings in the year 2010. The sun is basking this valley for all of it's might, but warmth will not be found outside today. There will, however, be plenty of warmth indoors.
Pancakes and bacon for breakfast with dear, dear friends this morning. Jeff and Lisa came to our house to spend time. How mighty is their gift of love and friendship! So far, I've managed to scare the pants off of them - I turned left on a red arrow. It was completely clear you must understand....and they said in some form, you MUST understand you scared the bejeepers out of us! I will leave the driving to Jim or Lisa and Jeff for the remainder of their stay.
I may or may not have night time asthma. Albuterol helped tremendously, so I'll stick with it for a few days and see how things go. My breathing has been labored, however, my pulse/ox levels are amazingly high. So we muddle through these little mysteries.
Again, I want to say thank you to all of you - for your comments on the blog and off the blog, for your love through prayer, through means I have no clue about, for your beautiful bounty of cards and calls. For laughing with me/us, for sharing a load of heart ache this year. For standing in the gap, for reminding me how much God loves and cares for all of us and for being my friends. What a bounty. When Jesus told the disciples to throw out their net on the other side of the boat - their net was so full of fish, it snapped. That is how I feel about you. My net is full and overflowing.
Thank you for being a part of a year that is still filled with mysteries and tears, love and laughter. I hope you will continue on with me. My journey in this land of cancer is not over. Year 2 of colon cancer is a year filled with tests and concerns. For this is the year colon cancer seems to like to find a new place to hang out. I pray that I have not hat pegs for it to hang it's hat on and that God is in the process of healing me fully. Our Father does hear our pleas and knows the hidden places in our hearts.
"O the Fount of Every blessing, fill our hearts...".
Happy New Year - with love and prayers for God to fill every corner of your lives.
Love and Best Wishes!
kathryn
(title quote: Charles Lamb)

That Post Christmas Shopping....Bleah.....

2010-12-27T12:03:00.001-07:00

Not a post holiday shopper....it's a rare day for me to arrive on a big shopping day and I dash in and dash out. (call me Dasher).
Today, Jim MUST have some dress slacks and jacket for Leah's wedding. Is anyone counting the days with me? Am I the only one? 13 days. 13. Thirteen. 2 weeks and 1 day. I'm so thrilled and excited for them and filled with GLEE to get to be there and dress up and feel happy and giddy and celebrating a wonderful couple. Wheeee!
Christmas 2010 is past. What a year. What a year this has been. Still mulling this over. What a year. oh yes, I AM HERE! "O! The Places You'll Go", seems very fitting. I'm ready. My body isn't quite ready. A lot of post chemo "slo jo". But soon and very soon, I hope to be mopping my own floors, making our bed on a daily basis, cooking, cooking, cooking and enjoying bring people into our home to celebrate what they have done for our family.
Goodness....the "i owe" list is very long. And I'm thankful to have such a list.
Have a warm day - enjoy your time off if indeed you have some time off, enjoy your family and friends and eating too much good food.
Thank you from the bottom of our hearts to The Entire Fenno Family and Bill & Donna....more to follow.

"And now let us welcome the New Year. Full of Things that have never been."

---Anonymous

O Give Thanks to the Lord, for He is Good.

Being A Child Tonight

2010-12-24T10:25:00.000-07:00

Christmas Eve

IF WE WOULD see the Child on this Night, then we must be prepared perhaps even to be a child on this Night, to let our imagination and our hope and our faith carry us to some new way of seeing, some new way of hearing, so that our eyes might be opened and our ears might be too, so that our hearts might be quickened and our spirits might be touched.
In the end, we must be willing to believe in the Promise that Immanuel will come, we must have faith to believe that the Promise will be kept, and we must hope that we too will be willing and able and childlike enough to recognize the face of God in the face of the Child. - Robert Benson, The Night of the Child

Merry Merry Christmas!

Love, Kathryn and Jim

Sophie, Coco and Scout

(photos tomorrow; dogs are asleep all over me)

Ninja Fever

2010-12-23T20:26:00.000-07:00

I was having a difficult night last night. I got out the magnets that friend's shared with me and put on the headband that holds the magnets. Jim thought it photo worthy. I ended up at the ER again!!!!! Again?!?!? I am healthy....simply worn out by chemotherapy. I'm up some and down some (physically). I had acupuncture this a.m. It helped quite a bit. I was told no corporate worship for a couple of weeks. Too many germs? Too many opportunities to fall? Too little time to sleep? Ok, I will mind and rest and read a bit.

Behold The Lamb of God, He came to save us from the sin of the world!

Happy Christmas Eve Eve.

Love and thanks for your wonderful encouraging comments.

love to all, kathryn

These Boots Are Made For Walking....Walking......not Falling

2010-12-22T11:36:00.000-07:00

“Alice falls down the rabbit hole and her dress poofs up like a parachute.

Alice: Well, after this I should think nothing of falling down stairs.”

Yes, I fell down on Sunday. My boots simply didn't want to grip onto the linoleum floor beneath me. Off I went, banging my head on the wooden part of the back of the pew. I hit my hand and leg - leaving some small bruises. God had it all set up....3 nurses were right around me. You do realize you must go to the ER. The week before we had called the EMTs. They were the same crowd. How to convince these people I am not a frequent flyer??

I did have some takers on my boots. They are pretty cute and I got them at a steal so that makes them cuter still.

An all day in the ER found me rattled up a bit, but nothing serious. Anemia was discovered - ah! the fatigue is caused by chemo and anemia. More tests are being run this week. I swallowed a pill for a sitz marker study. Full of white, little elastic bands. Very tiny rubber bands - all in white. I got 3 times for xrays to see what is up with this non functioning large colon of mine.

A lazy day for me and the dogs. We needed one. I am hoping to get a call to come in for acupuncture. I will probably have to wait for my real appt on Thursday.

Why do I keep hearing "the theater, theater" running through this rather tangled brain of mine? Explanations welcome. Be sure and say, "theater" with a rather barmy English accent.

Is that "Funny Girl?" I don't remember.

Happy December 22.

love to all, kathryn

King of Kings and Lord of Lords! His name be praised - today and forever.

Ah, Home!

2010-12-20T20:31:00.000-07:00

I am getting my feet under again. I am moving slow. Even fell at church yesterday just to make sure I got ample attention. A trip to the ER for the day. Brain, chest, neck - all good. Great ER dr and staff. They do need a couple of ER dr and nurses to open up and empty space. Any takers?
Good night from here. More when my fingers are cooperating again. Neuropathy has me on a short leash right now.
love you kathryn
The Joy Of The Lord Is My Strength!

Cancer Center Art Work, Now Owned By The Stephens

2010-12-20T20:18:00.003-07:00

the funds go to support those who are in need. This is called Cat Dreams. I love helping and I love the artist. Thank you!!!!

2010-12-17T11:10:00.000-07:00

From the hospital room: Quilt and Kathryn
12/17/10

and further more....

2010-12-15T16:58:00.001-07:00

1. Not getting "real" food - remaining on liquids.
2. Test is tomorrow. Red tape and we definitely need a technician here to DO the test (this was the tech's day off). I'm giving my doctor a break. He's writing for some high tech tests and he doesn't know if someone is here or not. All he wants - get the tests completed. I am on his team and he's a great and fully competent coach.
3. My Coco and Scout will be very sad. Becky, neighbor who is a one in a million, is in charge of Sophie, Coco and Scout. All is well, all will be well.
4. Great nursing care continues and someone is walking by with a well mastered whistle. Whistle on.
5. We're going to have to bundle up here in NM after 60 degree days. A temp drop of 30 degrees is forecast. Just a bit on the chilly side. For normal folks, an evening such as this would require soup, chili, Mexican food, or stew and homemade bread (Whole Foods constitutes homemade) or cornbread, particularly Bill Kolb's cornbread. Yum, yum!!
Good Night Chet, Good Night David.

love to all again, kathryn

Yesterday Was A Skuvala Kind of Day

2010-12-15T09:14:00.000-07:00

They have me bound and gagged in the hospital....not really, but those who have been hospitalized know...you only want to go home. Though I realize I'm not quite ready, my little dogs are now entering a neurotic state of being. Bless their little doggie hearts.

What? no novella today? Nope, but I am getting REAL food. I'm going off of "liquids". That is a grace that I am thrilled with!
I am doing better and the doctors, nurses and staff are more than wonderful to me....God's hands and feet at their best. I am amazed at what they have put up with from my body and how loving they are. They set aside their families and their problems to assist us. God bless them, everyone.

Now, to figure out exactly what is going on. I am staying tuned.

Love to all, kathryn

Psalm 37:5.
Much love and get well greetings to Jeff - love you so.

Christmas.... Around the Corner

2010-12-10T06:07:00.000-07:00

We are planning a trip for Christmas this year. A dream come true for me. I'd much rather take a trip than buy gifts. Time to be together, time to see new areas of the country, time to drink too much coffee and relax, spend time with dear friends...and eat too much rich food. It's also one of the best times to reflect on the birth of Jesus. Much time has been given to when Jesus was born - probably springtime, as the shepherds were out in the fields. But in our very secular, post-modern society - Christmas still creates in us a time to reflect and remember why Jesus's birth still touches people's hearts with kindness that is often not available the rest of the year.
So, as I learn to steal other's material quite well, I wanted to print this very old poem - it is so appropriate for this time and actually all the days of our lives.
We cannot know the grief
That men may borrow
We cannot see the souls
Storm-swept by sorrow;
But love can shine upon the way
Today, tomorrow;
Let us be kind.
Upon the wheel of pain so many weary lives are broken,
So may our love with tender words be spoken.
Let us be kind. ---author unknown
"Be devoted to one another in brotherly love." Romans 12:10

I am learning the slower graces of knowing God. He has slowed me down, sometimes to the point of dead stop this year. I've had a great deal of time, when I was not asleep, to think through a good many things. I suspect whatever you have been through this past year has given you a time to "take pause" and reflect on the many graces of God through this past year. May the time you spend shopping, eating, having coffee/tea with dear friends, gift exchanges, dinners with family and friends bring you a moment of awe and wonder --- a reflection time on how very good God is to us. And how really it doesn't matter one bit if they are "colored twinkle lights" or "white twinkle lights". Whatever makes you smile.

Ok, now for a pretty decent cookie recipe.

Giant Ginger Cookies
Prep time: 30 min Total time: 50 min

Makes 12 - yes, worth it

2 l/2 cups all purpose flour
2 l/4 t. baking powder
l/2 t. salt
l T. ground ginger
l/2 t. ground allspice
1/2 t. ground pepper
3/4 c (l l/1 sticks) unsalted butter, room temp.
l/2 c. packed light brown sugar
l/2 granulated sugar, plus l/3 cup for coating
6 T. molasses
l large egg

Preheat over 350 degrees, with racks in upper and lower thirds of oven.
Line 2 baking sheets with parchment paper. Set aside
Whisk together all dry ingredients.
With electric mixer cream butter, brown sugar, l/2 c. granulated sugar until light and fluffy.
Beat in egg and molasses. With mixer on low, gradually beat in dry ingredients.
Flatten dough, wrap in plastic, freeze for 20 min.
Divide dough into 2" balls. Place remaining l/3 c. granulated sugar in bowl. Roll balls of dough in sugar, place on prepared baking sheets. Flatten into 3 inches rounds with a bowl works best. Sprinkle with remaining sugar.
Bake until brown, rotating sheets halfway through, 12 to 15 min. Cook on racks.
Yum.
Store in container with parchment or wax paper between cookies.
Martha Stewart "it's a good thing"

Friday is here again. Jim's Friday off...a little chance to hang out, read the paper and enjoy a beautiful day. 60 degrees here today. (apologies to those freezing)

This Resplendent Autumn Day...

2010-12-05T14:38:00.005-07:00

I pulled out a dear book from the bookcase yesterday. A book that still motivates me. Words written on the everyday'ness' of life. This particular book is about Jacob and his jaw dropping dysfunctional family - a book that reminds me we are all closer to Jacob and his family than we might care to admit. This mystery of God's vast and wondrous family. Dysfunctional as we are, God delights in us - we are threads in God's sewing basket.
So, I'll pirate some one's words...
"What makes sense of my journey - the everyday experiences as well as the passages --- is God. The providence of God means that God oversees me and my life is not a bundle of accidents. The pursuit of God means that God engages me for a compelling, world-transforming mission. And the welcome of God means that I know continuously and deeply that God accepts me, approves of me and - most amazing of all - finds pleasure in me.
Do you recall Jacob and the heavenly ladder? Some have believed we too are climbing "Jacob's ladder" to perfection. That isn't true. Jesus came down that ladder to meet us right where we are. "Come unto me" is spoken by Jesus from the bottom of the ladder.
I've met Jim at the bottom of the ladder as well as my dad. What is it about meeting someone as they bounce off that bottom rung? There is a hug, there is a smile, there is solid ground under their feet, there is forward motion - even if it it means returning to the top of the ladder again. Perhaps you will think of Jesus being at the bottom of the ladder next time you heft yourself onto the ladder and make your way down. Jesus will meet you there. Dirty shoes, rough hands and all.
"Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly." Matt 11:28 The Message
One of my favorites from The Message.
Love and blessings on this Sunday afternoon, kathryn

Flash:Born: November 29, 1952, Little Rock, Arkansas

2010-11-28T21:48:00.001-07:00

A note from South Vine to the girl born November twenty-nine:
Just pretend that you feel fine, that the sun was hired for your day to shine;
Because it's your special day--November twenty-nine.
Enjoy plenty of hours simply supine, then select a delectable place to dine
To celebrate that special day--November twenty-nine.
You could even wear crinoline and dance in a line
To show off on your day of November twenty-nine.
Or make your dress all out of twine, or of any crazy design,
Perhaps a large sandwich sign, if you feel such an incline,
To scare all the people on November twenty-nine.
And even if you did (scare them i mean), they may not cry or whine
Or do anything inappropriate on November twenty-nine
For everyone & thing must happily align or felicitously entwine
For the special day for that Katherine (sorry for the intentional misspelled pun)
Happy Birthday, Sister of mine, born on November twenty-nine. --chuck parker

My brother just sent me a birthday poem of his own design. Thank you for your kind and whimsical birthday wishes. I'll be working on the dress of twine...by finishing this scarf o' mine. (it won't be twine, but yarn didn't rhyme).
A delicious Thanksgiving dinner here, and a great time to have 4 days of nothing much that needed to be done. We both found time to nap (too often) and read some books and watch a little football as well as Colin Firth as Mr. Darcy. Thank you Jane Austen and Peggy Lee.
Good night from this cold enchanted land. Still humming the "Hallelujah Chorus"...will pass it on.
love kathryn

THANKS GIVING!!

2010-11-25T16:04:00.000-07:00

I can still cook Thanksgiving dinner! : )

First time we have had a chance to sit down since coffee

this morning. Coco and Scout were thrilled and put up with

a little photo shoot...that took 20 minutes to

get them to this point.

Beautiful, cold. The perfect Thanksgiving

Snow, which is almost all melted and sun.

We wish you a wonderful relaxing evening. Pumpkin pie,

pecan pie, leftovers, a game of cards or Scrabble, movies,

whatever.

To God of All Blessings we say Thank You!

love kathryn and jim

coco and scout

sophie otherwise disposed

Something Worth Sharing This Week

2010-11-22T11:37:00.000-07:00

Monday’s Reflection

“WHERE DID I GET THE IDEA that worship must always
be restrained, quiet, and dignified?
Throughout my long life, you have showered me
with blessing upon blessing.
Today I will not withhold the praise you deserve.
Awaken the passion that I’ve kept tucked away for
a rainy day.
It’s all about you, Lord. Not me — but you.
Before I get out of this chair, I will lift my hands
and say aloud the Lord’s Prayer. Today I will
consider what all those words mean.
I will sing a hymn of praise while I comb my hair
and put on my socks.
I will not wait for another day.
I will make a joyful noise!”
- Missy Buchanan

Wild winds blowing; leaves dancing on the streets until they are scooped up and flung into the air. I believe the winds and the falling leaves are also making a joyful noise unto the Lord!
I love fall. love you too,
kathryn

Marshall's and Moments of Grace

2010-11-18T19:50:00.001-07:00

After the last doctor's appointment, I got into the car. Sat there a moment, took a deep breath and looked across the Sandia Mountains; another gorgeous fall day. Sometimes just a moment to breathe in and out, look up with a thankfulness for this day, gives me a boost of energy. So with that little shot of energy, I went into Marshall's. I've been looking for a coat...not a heavy coat, not a puffy coat, not a car coat, just a short coat; minus the weight. I do not want a coat that makes me feel I'm carrying the weight of the world...just a coat to block the winds. Struck out on that mission. I love to wander through the food aisle. While enjoying looking at all of the jars and boxes, I overheard a couple swapping the name of jams and jellies. He looked at me and said wouldn't it be great if there was a tasting table? Yes! Cream cheese, crackers and an assortment of jams? Yes, let's do that! He started telling me his very eventful past couple of weeks. About 2 weeks ago, he had an MRI. Lower back pain. He called for the results. The would look for them and call him back. The office called back and told him what was wrong with his back.....however, the bigger issue was an aneurysm in a vein in his upper leg - it was dangerous and it was leaking. Off to the vascular surgeon's office. After a Doppler test - yes, there was an aneurysm and he had to go to surgery immediately. He's now put back together with Gortex. I said, WOW, you look great! Look at you, you look wonderful. Wow! He said God is so good...I'm here. I said I know, I have cancer. He and his wife looked at me with disbelief. YOU look SO GOOD. While we were sharing the "wow's" and sharing our thanksgiving to God, I noticed a woman standing looking at the tea...only she wasn't looking for tea, she was eavesdropping.
I know you would really have to be there to enjoy the moment of God's grace in the food aisle at Marshall's - but I wanted you to hear it. To remind you how these accidental meetings are actually rare gifts - gifts of grace - from strangers, meetings in the oddest of places. I hope you will recall these stories in your own life and smile - God loves you and includes you in stories. Stories you have no idea others are sharing about YOU!

"Oh, how I love all you've revealed;

I reverently ponder it all the day long."

from Psalms 119

The Message

Taking A Nap and Cancer

2010-11-17T12:03:00.001-07:00

I was, as usual, not very clear when I made the comment on my partial thyroidectomy. That particular tumor on my thyroid was benign.
Colon Cancer: I still do not have answers. I finish my chemo regimen this week. I believe Dr. Clark said I will have my PET/CAT scans in Dec. I will also have to undergo some blood work, which is always ongoing. Perhaps by January, I will have the results and information on that cancer.
I do find my energy levels are at an all time low, however, Jim sent a devotional re: napping.
A great storm was about to engulf the disciples fishing boat. The disciples were in a panic, they turned to find Jesus...napping. Jesus knew ruled the storm and who was protecting them.
Another lesson. I do not have to calm the waves and try to control anything going on in my life. You know something? Though I've spoken a lot about Jesus' balanced life, I've reached a point in time that talking about his "balanced life" has past. Actually reaching out and grasping onto a corner of living his calm and rest, is comforting. Do yourself a favor; take a nap. I am on my way to do that now.
Be Blessed my dearest friends and family,
kathryn

Baby It's Cold Outside!!

2010-11-15T16:44:00.000-07:00

The heater went out on the bedroom side of the house. Fortunately, it was just a disconnected wire. That set us back about $88.00...for about 5 minutes of work. However, we are grateful for the heat to be back on, for a warm house, warm beds and a place to enjoy life and good food - so many, many GOOD things.
I've been looking at stacks of family photos for the past couple of days. Memories flood in, sometimes tears flow and other times, laughter at just the thought of the "good ol' days". Just a warning to Phil & Tina, Chuck & Patty and Teresa & Dan....photos will be coming your way.
I've mopped the kitchen floor, made a rustic apple pie and am resting (blogging is on the list of "how to rest" - I'm just sure of it).
This is my last week of chemo. There are a lot of emotions running around my mind. I'm not sure that I've got that all sifted through so will wait on further comments.
I am grateful for this past course of treatment - more to the point, for the blessings of God's Spirit and for the faithfulness of prayers of "the many". For my card warrior, Tina, you've lifted my heart so many times....sharing your days and making me laugh. You have such a talent for sharing your 'ordinary' (is there such a thing as an ordinary day?!)
Right now, Coco is playing with a squeaky toy in the living room, Sophie is hopping from chair to chair, trying her best to avoid Scout (aka: Pe Pe Le Pew). It's a love/hate relationship - I've seen Sophie standing alone in the kitchen, bawling and making such a fuss - no dog in sight.
I enjoy "real time" (not daylight savings time, I should move to Indiana). Evenings fold around us, winter recipes calling me. Sort of calling...I have days I want to cook and do and days that take out or a bowl of cereal is quite enough.
The past round of chemo (3 pills 2x a day) made me so sleepy...like putting a record on the record player and turning it to 33 l/3 or lower. Only people my age and older understand this. Sometimes the neuropathy is very bad and other times I am left with just a very low buzzing feeling in my feet and hands. As I write this, I have not one thing to complain about. I know others who are suffering so and are working so hard to stay 'in the game'. God bless them and keep them all.
I need to get out some plates and make a pot of tea.
Enjoy your evening of good food, good company - either people or a good book, a quilt on this very cold night.
Now as the sunshine pours into the back window, I am seeing a lot of dust that needs to be Swiffer'd away. I am thankful to be upright and able to whisk it away!
love to all, kathryn

While Piled In Among the Quilts and Dogs.....

2010-11-12T19:26:00.001-07:00

Do you enjoy a good quote? I have them stashed in journals, I write them on an old chalkboard that hangs in the kitchen, on bits of paper, placed behind old windows that hang on my walls. They touch my heart, remind me I/we are never alone. An ordinary person, strikes into that vein of genius and with such economy of words - they are discovered, landing squarely into my heart.  On occasion, quotes come at the perfect moment. Written with such succinct precision, I find myself glued to their thought - kind of in awe of how THIS quote found me at just the right moment.
The best finds are very funny quotes. How I miss Erma Bombeck. We were kindred spirits, me and about 2 million other women.
Today's stolen quote came from a precious friend from East Tennessee (Go Vols). Thank you Norris, it came on the wings of angels.  At this writing, they are working missionaries in a province in China. Sometimes you just gotta love the Internet : ) most of all, I love my friend, Norris and his wife, Sallie. Thank you.
Mike, I loved the song you sent today. You never fail to say and send the best things. love to you my dear friend.

When God is about to do something great, he starts with a difficulty. When he is about to do something truly magnificent, he starts with an impossibility.
                                                        -- Armin Gesswein

It is a chilly night in Abq. The dogs will be running in and out quickly to do their business. Enjoy your Saturday -- may it include just a bit of extra sleep and a good breakfast to follow! love kathryn

Storms!....Tornadoes, Hurricanes, Typhoons

2010-11-10T17:16:00.001-07:00

First the best news of the year. No Cancer!!! I had a benign tumor removed nearly 2 weeks ago.   I take heart in this great news and Praise God for his tender and kind mercies.

O! how I love a good storm. Growing up in the heartland, rain, sleet, snow, hail, and of course, gorgeous sunsets 'across the fruited plain', made up the tapestry of daily life and continue to this day. Then as now, there were those, thankfully, rare events - tornadoes.
David and I were talking about storms this morning. A friend of theirs from Singapore was driving through southern Tennessee, when a sudden rain squall came up; driving horizontal rains so fiercely, his wife couldn't see him from inside of the station. They did see the storm, but were far enough ahead, they remained out of harms way, however, he was soaked through.
I told David some stories when an F5 tornado hit Jackson, TN in the fall of 1999. South Jackson was just annihilated. Overturned semi tracker trucks, stores and homes leveled; stories of survival were told with the state of shock etched into their faces and several people lost their lives as well.
When I was in the 5th grade, eating a homemade hamburger, the skies were turning that very strange color of green. My dad stepped outside and I went with him. (if other members of the family were outside with dad, please tell me, as this is what I remember). My dad counted off 8 'tails' of tornadoes, coming our way over I-35; east to west. My dad pulled the car in the detached garage. We went to the basement and listened as those winds screamed. A huge explosion tore through the noise of the storm. I remember my mom saying, in that detached, calm (shocked) manner, 'well, there went the house'. Suddenly, it was over. I believe there was a little light rain but the skies were clearing. Our barn and a chicken house were leveled....the garage? The walls had collapsed and the roof was setting at an odd angle damaging the car beyond repair. If these tornadoes had hit the ground, there would have been nothing left of our little community.
The house was not gone. The explosion was from a closed window in the den, located in the front of the house - glass was found all over the house. One post was knocked loose on the front porch. We were alive, we would clean up our property and our lives would go on. Though it would seem these particular storms are very frequent, they aren't. But they are incredible in their power. Sparing one building and destroying another, driving straw into telephone poles and leaving a pan of cookies untouched, making these storms all the more memorable.
Like physical storms, there are storms of enormous magnitude in our personal lives. Waking to a perfectly 'normal' day and that night, way past normal bedtime, we are bathing in our tears, shivering at the thoughts racing furiously across what is left of my mind. Oh, that brain? It has turned to mush. How? When? Where? Why? WHY???? Upon waking (if there was sleep at all) there is that moment of calm. However from the look of dry, bloodshot eyes - there is an announcement in the brain - THIS is reality.
Where do I go? Who do I talk to? How can I explain this? How do I escape? I can't.  I cannot. I look around and everything looks the same and yet everything is changed. I am angry, sad and paralyzed. Food is not important, clothes - whatever I wore yesterday would be fine for the day ahead. I'm freezing and yet the day is very warm.
Storms, both physical and emotional, bring shock and destruction. There is unleashed fury; a tornado, a hurricane or some other storm, destroying property or at least throwing power out for days on end. On the emotional side there is bad news, difficulties that don't fall into a category; exploding, destroying everything, decisions made, leave us as "a cork in a storm on the sea".  And like those harsh winds and relentless and blinding horizontal rains, this storm reshapes whatever it strikes. Not unlike ocean storms, slamming into coastal areas, etching their calling cards into rocks and shorelines, we do not know the toll from this storm.  How far reaching is the damage it will do? Who has it affected? Is there anything salvageable?
We still have days of looking out the window; seeing calm skies, but after being slammed by this storm, we still are on the lookout for those blustery, angry clouds on the horizon.  This is a private storm. Gratefully  this song stays in my heart as I again, reach out and keep a firm grip on hope.
love kathryn

Will your anchor hold in the storms of life,
When the clouds unfold their wings of strife?
When the strong tides lift and the cables strain,
Will your anchor drift, or firm remain?

It is safely moored, ’twill the storm withstand,
For ’tis well secured by the Savior’s hand;
And the cables, passed from His heart to mine,
Can defy that blast, thro’ strength divine.

It will surely hold in the Straits of Fear—
When the breakers have told that the reef is near;
Though the tempest rave and the wild winds blow,
Not an angry wave shall our bark o’erflow.

When our eyes behold through the gath’ring night
The city of gold, our harbor bright,
We shall anchor fast by the heav’nly shore,
With the storms all past forever more.

We have an anchor that keeps the soul
Steadfast and sure while the billows roll,
Fastened to the Rock which cannot move,
Grounded firm and deep in the Savior’s love.

Musings From A Late Fall Day.....

2010-10-27T11:49:00.001-06:00

Me, The Weenie and Scout are snuggling under a pile of blankets this morning. The sun is out and the winds are up a bit early today. I am not ready to give up sandals...I usually wait at least until the first and second snowfall to give in to shoes. I've bought 3 pair of shoes in the past couple of weeks. Two have been returned. The last pair I chose may find themselves back among their friends at the shoe store. Perhaps another pair of Converse is waiting for me : )
I saw Dr. Clark yesterday. He counted, recounted and counted again the number of treatments I have had since March 16. During the month of November I will move up to 3000mg of Xeloda and will finally - 9 months and a "little summer vacation" later, finish my chemo regimen.
Yes, there will be a lot of follow up appointments and tests, but I will not have to take anymore rat poison.
Since I already wrote my "final report" - I respectfully ask you to return to my post of "Happy Trails" to read how deeply I feel about each one of you and your tremendous support.
There are many others things going on in our lives at this time. I am looking forward to the time when we can get out of town and breathe some fresh air (yes, there is fresh air outside of Albuquerque...really, trust me, there is) take some time to see some sights and not think for a bit....other than what sounds good for breakfast.
Everyone believes it should be the most exciting time. Believing "this person has been cured!" That is not true. I have, as scores of others have, completed one chemo regimen. Cancer is never done with those of us who have had this visited upon us.  It doesn't rule your life; but it is always lurking - maybe to never rear it's ugly head again or waiting to launch a counterattack.
So on the flip side, there are a lot of deep feelings. There is great comfort in knowing you are "being watched over ever so carefully". There is this amazing bond built during these months with your doctor, nurses, and their incredible staff - pharmacy, technicians, even the people in the lab. They have been my guardian angels.
I am still here. Some of my recliner mates have not survived.  Thankfully I only know one 'for certain' who did not survive. The rest, I just keep in my mind they too have finished their treatment and are living their lives....even though I know this is not the case....some denial is ok in this particular journey.
I do not know nor will I never know why one lives and one dies. Until you live through cancer, come close to losing your own life, stripped down and raw, putting yourself fully God's care and keeping, and come back to the land of the living is not something any human being - anywhere understands. There are a lot of philosophical reasons (my very least favorite of all of these is because I "had a positive attitude" - bunk), there is a lot of talk about passages in the Bible or other sources to read - all religions think they can explain the secret things of God.  I can assure you and will state very strongly; we who live on this side of heaven, DO NOT have a clue about the mysteries that belong to God.  How many mysteries of God are there? I'm clueless. Prayer and intercessory prayer is certainly in the top 5. If someone claims to be able to explain this to you or claims to understand it him/herself, grab your bag, dust off your feet and walk away.
What I do know, is God is a keeper of all of his promises. When we see the sun; feel the wind on our skin and in our hair (those who still have hair), and see the handiwork of his good pleasure all around us, having faith in something far greater than ourselves, perhaps we do not have to "fully know" or comprehend.  "Jesus loves me this I know, for the Bible tells me so".....and those who 'have the faith of a mustard seed" - this is sufficient for the day. His Grace. However, as humans, we will keep reading and searching to reach understanding that 'gets us through the day'. He says to 'study to show yourself approved" - it is a call to know Him and his will for our lives. He commands that we gain wisdom - but only God's wisdom is to be sought, wisdom cannot be found in anything or anyone else.
I have a great many questions - and they all begin with "why?...." and even though I want answers, I will not get them. I might get a slight glimmer and think, ah! yes, that is why - but it's only my human insight or POV. It's not God's.

’Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus,
And to take Him at His Word;
Just to rest upon His promise,
And to know, “Thus says the Lord!”

Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus,
Just to trust His cleansing blood;
And in simple faith to plunge me
’Neath the healing, cleansing flood

Yes, ’tis sweet to trust in Jesus,
Just from sin and self to cease;
Just from Jesus simply taking
Life and rest, and joy and peace.

Refrain
I’m so glad I learned to trust Thee,
Precious Jesus, Savior, Friend;
And I know that Thou art with me,
Wilt be with me to the end.

The hymns of days past speak to my heart in a new way. I hear the words; the tune or lack there of no longer matters. I am so grateful for those who sat and penned their soul's hurts and praise to paper. Likewise Streams in the Desert. Words leap off the page and embed themselves into my heart - they are testimonies by humans, thoughts and faith sharpened by winter's blasts and Satan's never ending weapons thrust at our hearts, minds and marrow. God's word is the foundation; He has provided for every storm that comes our way. Trust Him, He is worthy to be praised and worshipped. The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom.

I'll be back for more......if you care to join along. love kathryn

Excitement before the Calm

2010-10-17T14:22:00.000-06:00

Worth noting: This week in our readings, two passages have been mentioned: "Do not fret" and "Be anxious in nothing." I think of those passages several times during the day. Apply as needed. Hourly is a good idea.
After many years of listening to Molly talk about "what she is going to be for Halloween" - there is silence on that front. Still, as I mentioned earlier, I do love to buy pumpkins and set them around the house and on the front porch. I believe our present porch looks much better with an entire congregation of pumpkins. This year, it's a small congregation. But the congregants are interesting looking. TJs buyers did a great job.
Love the Fairy Tale pumpkin and the nubby gourd like pumpkin. Cool.
There have been some moments this week. Jim has been through what I'll term the "vertigo flu". Believe my chemo is creating some good ol' fashion aching joints. A little Tylenol, some down time, hopefully ease that pain.
I stuffed my chemo pills in a little skinny pocket on Friday. I was doing some laundry and putting things away and glanced into the dog bed that sits under a bench in the kitchen. Coco's face was right next to a chemo pill. aaaack!! Genius (see bottom of page). I asked her if she ate the other one. "if you want me to have eaten it, I did". I persisted, looking frantically for the other pill. "Did you eat the other pill?" The face showed a definite "no". Her last fast was "if you wanted me to, I did; if you didn't, then I didn't." She remained unnaturally calm.
My voice was raising as I was still crawling on the floor, then running down the hall, looking in their regular places they 'stash' their stuff. Scout, did you eat a pill? Blank face. I called the vet - which I should have done the moment I saw the pill. 'Bring them in immediately.' Talk about a rough moment, they were given a drug to make them lose their breakfast. No pill. Perhaps it had already gone into one of their systems. Infusions, IVs. oh my word. I was sent home. Again, down on my hands and knees. In the darkest little corner under the cabinets, set that 'other pill'. STOP, don't do another thing. I found the pill. Whew! My heart did not slow until late in the day. Lesson learned No stuffing pills in pockets until I'm hungry. Eat anything, take pills. Later that same day - a lap and sitting with the safer member of the family : )

No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does. ~Christopher Morley

love kathryn

Publishers Retraction.....

2010-10-16T11:32:00.000-06:00

I didn't know what I was thinking! Perhaps I was hasty, perhaps I was thinking this particular chapter was completed. Perhaps I was wrong. I have received kind emails wondering why I was going to close my blog at this particular time. You do know this is me, Kathryn, I do have my own brand of logic.
Posts and emails are welcome as always.
Have a wonderful weekend.
love kathryn

Happy Trails To You - Until We Meet Again....

2010-10-13T14:52:00.003-06:00

The best things said come last. People will talk for hours saying nothing much and then linger at the door with words that come with a rush from the heart. ~Alan Alda

Growing up in the generation of long good-byes, usually beginning at the kitchen table, strolling through the dining and living room, out onto the front porch. Last but most important, was the folding of the arms, while leaning into the car window, for the last goodbye. The best comes last.
I've been re-reading some books that hold a special place in my heart. Books on "places" are personal favorites.
God is a God of places. He created the earth. He wanted us to have a very special place. He created the universe and the deepest oceans. He likes places that speak not only of majesty and mystery, in his infinite love, he wanted us to be "blown away" by His creation. These places prove His abundant and overflowing love for us!
This blog, has been a different sort of place. Technology allowed me to share some of my journey with cancer. Some rough days, things that made me laugh, things I was mulling over. By virtue of cyberspace and regular mail, I received many notes of encouragement. Thank you!
Today, I'm closing this place; my blog. I've looked around, dusted off a few things, smiled and shed a tear or two. I have enjoyed 'this place', but it's time to turn out the lights, grab the door handle, take one last look around and close the door. As I said in my opening, the next chapter is unfolding. Like all of you,God only knows what will be written next.
My blog provided a place for people to walk along side of me. Your prayers brought me through deep waters. My heart is full of remembrances, cards, food, emails, visits, tears, love, and laughter. You provided a sanctuary for me. I am here because of your precious prayers and support.
I have lived in the Psalms. I continue to live there and am seeking a deeper dependence on God. The words of David and others have spoken when I couldn't think or pray. Though these were people like me - like you, they spoke boldly and fiercely and thousands of years later, we are comforted, startled and encouraged. God can withstand our anger and hurt. Though sometimes we find we are in places we didn't want to go - He is Jehovah-Jirah. He Provides.

"You are my hiding place; you will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance."

To my dearest friends and family. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for standing in the gap, not only for me, but for Jim and Molly for many in my extended family. Thank you for being here, whether in person or in thought, for walking so faithfully with me. Thank you to the many I do not know personally; for being so generous in your prayers. Blessings!
Most of all, I thank you God, for being so ever present, so mindful of me. He is my mighty rock and my refuge!"
I love you all, kathryn
and now from Lake Wobegon --

"Be well, do good work, and keep in touch."

~Garrison Keillor

This little surgery....

2010-10-08T13:27:00.003-06:00

will be performed on October 29. She said plan on staying overnight. So with toothbrush, toothpaste, hairbrush and pillow in hand...on your mark, get set, GO.
O! it's just a perfect day. 72 degrees, sunshine and no clouds. Time to get out of the house and savor this autumn day.
I'm on the hunt for cheap pumpkins. Whew! I was shocked to read $10 on a medium sized pumpkin. I may have to just have one - the one I already have. Next year I may plant my own. I've never grown pumpkins...the only thing I know is they need to have space to grow. I'll have to read up on this.
Take good care and enjoy the weather!
love kathryn

Another Gorgeous Fall Day

2010-10-07T19:59:00.000-06:00

I tried, no ethanol. Dr. M. said it is used and can be successful but not often. She sat down and said, now, let's talk about your surgery. A partial thyroidectomy. She went through the entire procedure and asked if I had any questions. I've read a great deal regarding this surgery, so I think I'm ready. I understand the risks etc. The next day, I ran into a patient at the cancer center. When I mentioned Dr. M's name to someone, she turned around and said, 'she's very good'. I pray she is.
She said I will go in in the morning and if all goes well, I go home that evening.
All I need is a day and time. I vote no more surgeries after this.
I also know, I have no control over anything. Ok, I can control how much apple pie I consume...sometimes.
Aren't these fall days just lovely?
love kathryn

Next On My Agenda....

2010-10-05T10:38:00.000-06:00

Next: A little right side thyroidectomy. Time and date not yet determined. The surgeon will consult with my oncologist. Though it's not "day surgery", I will get to go in and come home that evening. I like that. I've spent quite enough time walking the halls of Presbyterian Hospital.
So much for my dreams of a 'little ethanol...
Enjoy this beautiful day!
love kathryn

A Post It Note of Sorts...

2010-10-03T14:55:00.005-06:00

Medical Front or Back:
I took my 1500 mg/day of Xeloda this past week. I am off this week, except for routine blood work to see how things are going. Next week, 3000mg/day. The worst of side effect is still neuropathy. Hands, legs, feet. I must say, it is beyond strange to not be able to feel the bottoms of my feet. I massage them, but the feeling is weird - to say the least. I take medication which helps in terms of pain, but the 'pins & needles' & numbness sensation is always present. (for those of you medical junkies, this is absolute! layman's language).
Next on the agenda. I think I mentioned I have a complex cyst on the right thyroid. I've been through two aspirations, both times, the cysts has returned within hours. First biopsy: benign (thankful!) I see the surgeon tomorrow afternoon. I have been reading about the use of ethanol (via shot) to get rid of recurring cysts. I hope this is THE option. My first thought at reading "ethanol" - I could pull up to the gas pump and say 'fill 'er up'. I will know the game plan by late afternoon.
On a very serious note: The impact of the two well known and skilled balloonists, who were caught in a storm over the Adriatic Sea, widens. Molly received a call from her photography partner (from HSC), her uncle is Richard Abruzzo. She asked for prayers for their family. And the family of Carol Rymer Davis who resides in Colorado Springs.
Time to take a Sunday afternoon nap. Thank you for reading along. I'm very, very blessed. I've done so well on this drug and remain so very thankful. Life is good.
love kathryn

Saturday In Albuquerque

2010-10-02T11:17:00.016-06:00

A friend sent this quote the other day.

“But I remember more dearly autumn afternoons in bottoms that lay intensely silent under old great tree. '

When he posted it, this statue in Washington DC came to mind. When we lived in Northern Virginia, we would go downtown on those rare fall days with blue skies and crisp fall air. We'd take in the museums and mosey around the District drinking in the scenery. Washington is beautiful in any season, but most certainly fall takes the cake for me! There are statues all over the city. However, Mr. Einstein is still my favorite. No tall edifice, no grand towering pillared memorial. Mr. E is sitting on a retaining wall made for sitting. He looks a bit tired and disheveled, and has an open book on his lap. Like no other statue in Washington DC, this says, 'come sit a spell'.
As I was searching for a photograph of this statue, remembering that particular fall day. There were children were running and playing, climbing all over "him". They had no clue who he was or what he had done in his lifetime, but they knew this was very cool statue. AND! their parents were allowing all of this, no one had to "behave and get down". Best part, "he" is fully accessible and has a very large lap.

Though there was no room close to Mr. Edison's lap that day. If there had been no one around, I would have pulled out my book and spent the afternoon with Mr. E. It was a place I could easily get lost - not quite the wheat fields of Kansas kind of lost, but you go with what you've got.

I will never understand quantum theory/physics, nor can I comprehend God's ways. But I do know, we are all God's children. Thankfully, He is a living God, not a statue. He loves it when we come and sit in his lap. He doesn't mind when we are crying or all messed up; or have sticky hands and faces, or stumble right into him with runny red noses, blinding tears and a why? on our lips. That's when he begins his work in us. He cleans us up, blow our noses, hold us tight, helps us see ourselves through his eyes. He wants us to see the beauty inside ourselves as well as the beauty of the seasons.

Fall. Crisp air, cool nights and mornings, time to pick up a bag of apples and bake something apple filled, go to a fair,, (or the Balloon Fiesta) prepare hearty soups and muffins that only taste good this time of year. And marvel in the beauty of this season.

love to all,

kathryn

Rain, Rain So Glad You Came!

2010-09-22T21:14:00.010-06:00

Still a little drizzle outdoors. Lovely, cool, first day of fall. Fall simply goes too quickly.
The Albuquerque International Balloon Fiesta kicks off next weekend. Without fail, a balloon or two or three flies over our house. I've scared more than a few balloonists, running out in my robe and my hair sticking in many directions. It is great fun - even at the crack of dawn. And no, I do not have any inclination of going up in a hot air balloon. I prefer to eat breakfast burritos and cinnamon rolls - still in awe of these large balloons, sail off into the morning splendor. It's a day you are like a kid again. It's magic!
For me, there has been some empty space around here. Time has been full for many years and that has now shifted. When I was on the first two rounds of chemo, it robbed me of time; I had no concept of time. I only wanted to be able to eat and be somewhat mobile and independent. Eventually this summer, those things were reduced a great deal. So many people helped me. Cooked for us, drove us places, sent wonderful notes of encouragement and called and made me laugh. Now that I'm on round 3 of chemo, I've felt better but am not quite back to my regular life. I'm very grateful to be up most of the time and being able to do things I enjoy. However, my feet/hands bother me a great deal of the time. I dreamed last night my fee turned a dark black/purple - and were so very swollen. They looked like those big animal house shoes. I had forgotten to ask for a drug that helps with these symptoms at my appointment yesterday - my night was invaded by weird dreams - focusing on "that" drug"
Saturday, I begin on 1500mg and 2 wks from Saturday, I will take 2000 mg.
7 days on/7 days off. At that rate, I will finish chemo on January 8. That will be a FULL day of celebration. My niece will be getting married and I will have completed 7 or 8 months of chemo (depending how you count).
So on those good days, when I'm not sure what I should be doing; resting and focusing on getting well - which seems boring and mundane. It is important work. Just in a different way. It is internal work right. I like that external work and I do what I can - for it feels so good. I like to see someone accomplished.
This period of time has taught me to slow down (it's ok), to meditate, (it's healing and restorative), to listen to good music that heals my mind and soul. To think without doing 40 other things at one time. For the first time in my life, I've actually done one thing at a time. Even reading books is quite different now. I couldn't read for some time and it's a gift to be able to grasp words of an author and let them sink into my mind - thinking and enjoying their writing.
I found this in the book of common prayer (thanks to another author).

"And if I am to do nothing, let me do it gallantly."

--Book of Common Prayer

It is most appropriate and perhaps I will never rise to the level of being gallant, I hope to do this with some measure of Grace.

I am still focused on "today" and what "today" brings. But at this point in the race, I can see the finish line approaching. I'm looking forward to once again being a part of the bigger picture of living. Dare I say, normal?!? (who me?)

I've been treated like royalty; good drs, good nurses, incredible people at the cancer unit at Presbyterian Hospital. I've been a "strange case" yet they have fought valiantly for me. That's very humbling and very much appreciated.

God works in very mysterious ways. I am more often than not, questioning Him. Where he is and what he is doing and is that "enough". I have a hunch reading through the Old and New Testament, many people had those same questions. I know they did. I'm presently reading and listening to Job. This same God is one of power beyond our capability to grasp and his compassion and tenderness still grabs me by the heart. Job hung in there, never cursing or denouncing God. Job's losses are almost beyond comprehension. God's restoration brings tears to my eyes. God is the God of restoration - in bringing rain to a dry part of the country, in redeeming our time, healing our bodies and deep hurts and restoring relationships with one another.

love and goodnight, kathryn

Poetry: Couldn't Have Been Better Timing

2010-09-18T14:52:00.004-06:00

I opened the family Round Robin letter today. I wish I could remember how many years this letter has been circulating. Since I don't know exactly, I'll just say it's been around for many, many years.
I was skimming through the letters and saw a peach colored envelope. Since envelopes just asked to be opened, I pulled it out and read it first. A letter and two poems, written by my great aunt Vivian were waiting inside. I'm going to publish her poem on this little blog of mine...for it fit right into the last topic.

About Me

I looked in the mirror

And what did I see?

But a very old lady

Looking back at me.

And I asked myself

Could that possibly be me?

For I don't feel as old

As that lady looks to be.

But wrinkles have come

And baggy eyes, too

Hair not yet white

But eyes sill blue.

As the years have come

And taken their toll,

It's the way of life

As we all have been told.

I'm one hundred three

As I write this rhyme

But I never thought

That age would be mine.

Vivian Burch

born August 7, 1906

No matter your age, no matter where you live or what life brings your way, you are never prepared for this thing called age.

Aunt Vivian is 104; sharp and 'with it'. Though her handwriting is getting a little more difficult to read, she still writes her own letters and poetry - which she has written for many years.

Her words always leaves a smile on my face. When she questions why she has lived so long, her family knows exactly why. Her letters and poems travel to her extended family, far and wide, bringing each one of us a smile, joy and hope. I am grateful I found her envelope in the stack of letters today.

love kathryn

Vanity, Vanity......

2010-09-10T10:26:00.004-06:00

It's a kitchen morning. Reading some email, writing a couple of emails - enjoying a cup of coffee. I love cool fall mornings, even if I'm jumping the gun on the calendar, these mornings feel like fall. The dogs running about the backyard, Scout chasing Sophie, Sophie getting all huffy about it, yet she comes back for more, laying at Scout's feet, ready for more "abuse". Hard to feel sorry for this cat - she complains and yet puts herself right in line of "fire". They remind me of the monkeys at the zoo. Picking and nipping and Sophie swinging from one high place to another only to swing back and pick up where they left off.
I was talking to a friend this morning about this issue of - vanity. I certainly have those issues. I thought I would be 30 forever. No raving beauty here, but I just didn't think about wrinkles and crepe like skin.
Looking into the face of my maternal grandmother when I was 20, should have been a clue. Now to all in the Bullington family, do not take offense! She had a beautiful face; the lines and the wrinkles bore witness to her life; each one had a particular story. Some stories were exciting (she loved horses) and other stories spoke of years of hard work, raising 7 children, laughter, hurt, pain and grief. When she laughed, all of these lines and wrinkles joined in the laughter and moved in (remember I was young) in mysterious ways. Did my grandmother ever sit in front of her mirror at night, brushing her hair, saying, my goodness! where do these wrinkles come from? Did she care? I cannot know the answer to those questions. I have 2 aunts and my mom who may shine a light on these questions - or they may just say, how silly, we have more important things to think about.
After a couple of rounds of chemo and a stint in the hospital, I have lost a lot of weight. One of these days, I'll wake up and I will once again be able to wear the clothes in my closet.
I'm fascinated with how our brains work. After recovering for this past couple of months, I look in the mirror, finally seeing a semblance of "self" again. Then I walk into the bathroom with the sky light or am out walking, and glance into a plate glass window and wonder who that very skinny, crepy skinned woman is? And what's up with that neck? It looks like a harp, tendons bursting forth so proudly. Yipes, that's me. Add to this, age spots and should I mention these purplish veins etc etc. It takes a lot of intestinal fortitude - this aging process. We "boomer" people who have lived in Peter Pan's "Never, Neverland" are making our way into Reality Land. ouch.
It is not a surprise the amount of money spent on cosmetic "readjusting". We cannot purchase more time, but we can purchase a way to makes us believe we are 'forever young' - however, this endeavor is like stopping a tsunami. Time, gravity, genes, all get their way sooner or later.
Joan Rivers face makes me uncomfortable. In my opinion, her face looks like it's screaming to get out. It has been stretched to it's outer most limits. She looks nothing like the Joan Rivers of my youth.
So as we were talking, we both could hear our mother's words - "pretty is as pretty does"; "beauty if only skin deep"; "true beauty lies within", "beauty is in the eye of the beholder", "Vanity, vanity, all is vanity".
Fortunately, for all who life in the Lord of Heaven and Earth and wrinkles and the rest - in the twinkling of an eye - we will be changed - we will have no wrinkles to discuss, whether or not our necks have turned us into turkeys or not. "Should I have my eyes done?" It won't matter. However, for today, I will hang out with a jar of good night cream and try to age with some grace and recall how my grandmother's wrinkles rolled with her - literally....through some very intense storms, but most of all through the laughter.
Speaking of laughter, I'm reading Betty MacDonald's books (of Mrs. Piggle-Wiggle fame). The stories of her own life are laugh out loud funny and many parts of her life were not laugh out loud funny. Though she has been gone for several decades, she still brings a smile to many faces. As these wrinkles and lines continue to appear - o! so quickly, may these lines be created more from laughter than tears.
May your day be filled with joy and laughter!
love kathryn

While We Were Sleeping.....

2010-09-04T17:58:00.002-06:00

I check our one zucchini plant(yes, one zucchini and one yellow squash plant) every morning. Yesterday, I didn't see anything; perhaps that eye exam is more necessary than I was thinking...for this morning, I saw this! This baby weighed in at 9 pounds and is 19 inches long. It's Mrs. Green Thumb's baby. Photo below. Perfect stem, perfect color and shape - just the right size to carve out a sailboat. The only place it could possibly sail would be on the Dead Sea.
Things have been quiet. On the health front - blood counts "perfect". Just the normal 'pins and needles' and numbness but am still upright, trying to remember my feet need a little vacation.
Football season is here. I miss the days of being able to watch the marching bands (looking for anyone turning the wrong direction). Now days it's just beer or Taco Bell commercials. A little marching would be a nice break.
On another note, read Nehemiah 9. It quite possibly could change the way you think about praying. Nehemiah knew God's heart....he knew God was above him yet he knew God stood beside him, went before him and was most certainly right in the moment with Nehemiah.
It's been rather an upside down week in my thought world. Nehemiah was next on my reading list. I've read it all week. (yes, I do skim those names).
While you are sleeping - those of you with gardens may be already producing your own green giants.
Love to you all, kathryn

Late Friday Afternoon

2010-08-27T17:07:00.003-06:00

Liver scan - all is well. Thank you for your thoughts and prayers.

I should have added in the last blog - the person I mentioned (blog) is the mother of dear friends during our time in Augusta GA. Praying for you and for your family today and everyday.

I've been reading and meditating for several months on "living in the moment". Illness may be troubling and difficult, but there are these jewels, these things that open your heart and eyes for this person who suffers with severe multi-taskingitis - like learning to pay attention 'to the moment'.

So I'll close with a partial poem: (thanks to Kathleen Norris)

I rub the dark hollow of the bowl

with garlic, near to the fire enough

so that fire reflects on the wood,

a reverie that holds emptiness

in high regard.

--margaret gibson

Extremities

2010-08-25T20:45:00.004-06:00

Neuropathy has settled into my feet. It feels like I am walking with someone else's feet. Constant tingling and buzzing, sometimes painful, involving my lower legs. Same with my hands - the answer to my clumsiness. While this is nothing compared to what others are experiencing for there is always someone sitting nearby who are coping with very difficult and series matters. However, this is ever present". Comfortable shoes, epsom salt soaks, tylenol & sitting with your feet up is suggested. I find those things help a bit.
My thinking for the past month: "tomorrow I'll sit and put my feet up"...next day, "tomorrow I'll put my feet up for a bit"....next day, "tomorrow, I'll sit for an hour with my feet up." Sooooo, "that tomorrow arrived" (yesterday). My body and brain came to agreement. "This is the day, THIS is the day you WILL put your feet up, sleep and deal with the nausea. I couldn't "man up" any longer. I am better today.
I read to help with symptoms, you need to sit, "even when brushing your teeth and cooking." I am still mulling over "sitting & cooking". Sitting & brushing my teeth is realistic. I will put wheels on my kitchen stool, introducing my own "Meals on Wheels." : ) A very minute problem in the grand scheme of things. I'm am going to heed the advice, to keep this minute.
Lightening whipped and cracked across these NM skies a couple of nights ago. If we had been in Oklahoma, I would have been looking for the "fraidy hole". The color of the sky faded into "that" greenish copper color. In a moment, it melted into an orange sherbert colored sky - the trees and bushes, black against the orange backdrop. A "Gone With The Wind"sky. The last scene before intermission....Scarlett returning to Tara. Great storm; ushering in the first cool front of the season. Earlier in the day, I read an article on varieties of apples in New England. Yesterday evening was a Rhode Island Greening kind of evening. A perfect mix of cool and crisp. A thought: I CAN make an apple pie sitting down.
One of my online friends, someone I have never met but am a faithful reader of her blog, is struggling today. Her most recent tests have revealed the chemo she was taking wasn't effective. It was also revealed the very tumors she was undergoing chemo for have grown and there are new tumors. I've written about neuropathy and as I said, here is the 'person sitting next to me' - dealing with very serious matters. She has lifted my spirits with stories of her past and her family; sharing her brave journey through cancer and most of all, being such an encouragement to her precious family and friends. She is a passionate follower of Jesus. Continuing to pray for a deep and abiding peace as decisions are being made. She and her family are praying some "isometric prayers"; God is at work.
"I am the Lord you God, who teaches you what is best for you, who directs you in the way you should go." Ps. 48:17
love to all, kathryn

Home Again

2010-08-19T20:43:00.002-06:00

Home.
Molly is settling into college life. LCU has a 3 day orientation program. They meet and greet and do all of those silly things to break down walls and help everyone get assimilated. They also take tours and learn about all of the things available to them while they are in school.
We ate breakfast with Molly this morning. She looked very much at ease. We pray all goes well for her.
Just a quick note tonight. CAT scan of the liver/abdomen tomorrow morning. I get to drink my barium "shakes" tonight and in the early a.m. I'm ready to get this test done. We all agree this is probably nothing - I am not concerned. When I was in the hospital, one of the CAT scan reports indicated a "spot". At that time, no one could make a determination about it.
Next on the agenda - slowly, slowly begin pushing up the dosage of Xeloda. I'm on a small dose at this time to see how well I would tolerate the drug. I am tolerating it well. Since I had 9 lymph nodes involved, it's good to get out the biggest "guns" I can tolerate.
Praying for all who are sending your children off to college - either for the first time or their 4th....5th....6th....
You may be surprised I was not a "shoulder shaking, sobbing mom". This morning was very similar to her first day of kindergarten. On that momentous day, her words were, "do not come in, drop me off at the curb" - off she went. We parked our cars and went in - she was already busy; we watched a few minutes and left. The difference this time...she said, do not be a shoulder shaking, sobbing mom. I didn't even cry in the car. She's ready.
I heard another page turn.
Scout is now hanging out with us. She's eaten a dried zinnia and a pine cone is in crumbles on the floor. She's had her bath and clean bedding. She too will be going to school. Miss Manners for Dogs. It will do me good. : )
Blessings and deep appreciation for your many prayers and support. We are just so very grateful and so blessed!
love kathryn

College - Already ? How Can This Be?

2010-08-14T17:19:00.006-06:00

Tis the weekend before college around here. Though Molly does not live here; she still has a stack of stuff to pack up and stuff into a very full car. I assume she will quickly learn what she really needs and wonder why she thought she needed so much stuff?!
The empty nest. This nest is not empty. There is a weenie dog, a Norwegian forest cat and next week, Scout The Energizer Dog arrives or Minnie the Muncher. Of course, Jim and I still live in this nest and have become accustomed to the slower pace after Molly left. We will return to our roots - we spent 12 yrs together before Molly came along. Though we're slower than we were pre-Molly - we'll find our way to the next road (I remember seeing pavement somewhere...)
and yes, there have been some soggy days on my part....it's hard to say "so long", it simply goes by too fast.
I started Week 2 on Xeloda today. My hair is still leaving its home of origin. Experiencing some of the hand and foot syndrome. (neuropathy symptoms). I saw a PA who tried to convince me I needed real shoes and socks. It's nearly 100 degrees and I'm not to wear anything that creates friction or puts pressure on my feet. I think I'll stick to sandals and flips flops. Sometimes we have to figure out what works best for us. What with hot flashes making an appearance on a regular basis....having air conditioned feet seems much more sensible and appealing than soggy cotton socks tucked inside squishy shoes.
There are obvious reasons for college: attending classes sometimes in your pajamas, having a lot of fun, eating unhealthy food, and meeting a lot of great people. Learning how to set up your own schedule, make it to breakfast on occasion and being responsible for getting your work completed with out mom and dad breathing down your neck.
While hanging out with friends, drinking overly caffeinated drinks, absorbing brilliant thoughts, checking out the scenery..an important matter is pending -- doing a personal archaeological dig , discovering who you are, because when you know who you are (and I will add, AND who you belong to) you will know what to do. What arrives next is the beginning of peace in your life Identity is important and knowing where we draw our identity from even more crucial. Ok, back to College Algebra and another Starbucks.
"Trust in God and trust in me." John 14:1 (that is for me and I'm sharing it with you.)
Good evening, love kathryn

The New Kid on the Block - To Arrive Soon

2010-08-11T16:01:00.005-06:00

'I just like wood, I like the taste of wood.' Scout (full name: Jean Louise Finch) will be joining our family very soon. She keeps the yard clear of all things related to wood...chips, sticks and pinecones. She is 9 mos old, about 8 lbs and keeps herself very busy. She even smiles. She is energetic, loves to be loved on, enjoys cornering the cat, (Sophie is capable of beating her soundly). She will add another dimension to our lives. Welcome to our home, Scout! kathryn

Stop Counting.....

2010-08-09T19:02:00.004-06:00

Hair.
I've thought a lot about it today...as I keep running my hand around the sink, this hair o' mine is heading down the drain.
Of course, we can all (well, some of us can go back in time) to "Hair"...give me a head with hair, long beautiful hair...you children of the 60s - I'm handing it off here...you are able to finish the song...
How our hair defines us. In my case, I have enough hair stories to fill a book. Having lived in a multiple places, the biggest stress upon landing in a new land...who will I trust my hair to? Even my own hands have done some pretty evil things to these locks of mine. The burgundy: a strong memory. When a room full of preschoolers run up and shout, "We LOVE your purple hair, Miss Kathryn!". Though they were thrilled - it was not my look.
In this time of giving up all of my control (thank you Amy Grant); I got it. God is my hairdresser. God is at work. He numbers the hairs on my head; he is able to keep up with the numbering. I can get out of the way. I am in the hands of a master hairdresser. Another temporary matter to set aside....but I will continue to fluff and pouf - as long as I have a something to fluff and pouf!
(to think; I spent over 2 years "helping" my hair "go gray"....I think the joke is on me!....'gray hair is splendorous; so is gray, thinning hair : )
kathryn

Little of This; Little of That

2010-08-09T09:33:00.005-06:00

The weatherman said the heat is returning this week. Such are the dog days of summer. Fall is around the corner. The best time of year as far as I'm concerned. My heart always returns to New England. That is for later. I'm trying to live in the moment...anticipation of something you love is similar to a gift you know is going to arrive. I like that.
This low dose of Xeloda and I are getting along. The neuropathy is more significant, but the nausea is not - just 'waves' that are easier to cope with. My hair is falling out continually. No clumps..just those single strands. I do not believe I will go bald, I will "go thin". I too realize I'm only on week one, but I've read many good things about this drug. Some are on it for years and do quite well. I'm going to do "quite well".
I'm reading an book by Bill Bright, the founder of Campus Crusade. He knew how to live; he also knew who he lived for. He wrote this book as he was dying. He lived for Christ and died with the thrill of knowing he would live forever with God. Though this book may sound a bit on the depressing side; quite the contrary. It is not a brushing aside of what he had to endure, but He saw the purpose. To glorify God. When we are struggling with whatever comes this way; we turn to God in prayer. I most certainly have prayed for "what I need." He is my Father, He knows and knew what I needed. I am to trust. I'm learning (how very slowly), He has been working in this situation all along. He wants me to acknowledge that and praise and thank Him for the work he is always doing in my life. He writes, "Too often, we may find ourselves trying to tell God what we need. He knows! He knows!!" "My God shall supply all of your needs according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus." (phil. 4:19 NKJV) He went on to say, he continued to pray, his family and friends continued to pray for healing; but praying in God's will....he learned to say honestly, "my grace is sufficient". God's grace abounds! Abounds! I speak of fall coming as a gift - grace abounds - well, that tops my love of fall.
I am upright - thank you God. I have been shoveling out dark corners and cleaning our house a bit at a time. That is my exercise (vacuuming is great exercise!) I am able to get out and do a little weeding and puttering around in the yard. After my experience this summer, I learned a couple of things. I need people - you were ever present. I needed help. You were there to lift a hand. I saw God's grace over and over again. I asked from the beginning to grow through this. I still have many miles to go; God is growing me.
Thank you to all who shared their stories yesterday; heart wrenching, funny, deeply moving. Thank you for having the courage to stand before 'the many' and share your part.
Have a great Monday!
love kathryn

Some Thoughts

2010-08-04T12:05:00.004-06:00

I've had a quiet morning. 67 degrees and a wonderful time to sit on the patio and enjoy a glass of iced tea. I'm a coffee girl, but chemo drugs interrupt my taste buds sometimes. It's like the other treatments. When something sounds good, that's what I try to find to eat/drink. A strange obsession that occurs with cancer patients - I'm in good company on this food obsession!
Reading a short book by Bruce Feiler. He was diagnosed with bone cancer and decided to create of Council of Dads for his two daughters in case he didn't survive this very rare cancer. Wonderfully creative man that Bruce Feiler. He is the same man who walked the Bible. Walking is his life. And it seems he is still doing that today. Very inspiring and uplifting.
A friend passed on a piece by John Piper and David Powlison...both cancer survivors. It's entitled "Don't Waste Your Cancer". JP writes:
"It will not do to say that God only USES our cancer but does not design it. What God permits, he permits for a reason.. And that reason is his design. If God foresees molecular developments become cancer, he can stop it or not. If he does not he has a purpose. Since he is infinitely wise, it is right to call this purpose a design. Satan is real and causes many pleasures and pains. But he is not ultimate. So when he strikes Job with boils (Job 2:7), Job attributes it ultimately to God. (2:10) and the inspired writer agrees. "They...comforted him for all the evil that the Lord had brought upon him" (42:11) If you don't believe your cancer is designed for you by God, you will waste it."
DP: "Recognizing his designing hand does not make you stoic or dishonest or artificially buoyant. Instead, the reality of God's design elicits and channels your honest outcry to your one true Savior. God's design invites honest speech, rather than silencing us into resignation. Consider the honesty of the Psalms, of King Hezekiah (Is 38) of Habakkuk 3. These people are bluntly, believingly honest because they know that God is God and set their hopes in him. Ps 28 teaches you passionate, direct prayer to God. He must hear you. He will hear you. He will continue to work in you and your situation. This outcry comes from your sense of need for help (28:1-2). Then name your particular troubles to God (28:3-5). You are free to personalize with your own particulars....having cast your cares on him who cares for you, then voice your joy (28:6-7): the God given peace that is beyond understanding....Illness can sharpen your awareness of how thoroughly God has already and always been at work in every detail of your life." From "Talking in the Dark"...this would fall under the prayer of Jesus "nevertheless, not my will but yours". Those small words (or big words) can be missed. Nevertheless prayers are incredibly challenging...but the pay off is great. Learning as I go, o! please remember. My brain is sometimes a sieve.
My heart is with my family today as they have celebrated Irene's incredible life. No movie star, no rich financial wizard, no magazines covers - an amazing Christian woman, with troubles that were mind boggling to days of sitting in the backyard making a freezer of ice cream as we were playing, yelling and having fun in their backyard on a summer evening. A perfectly "normal" life lived in an extraordinary way - because of her love of God. I believe she truly knew he was faithful to his word: Fully trustworthy.
Health: pretty good. Neuropathy is pretty intense and some nausea, but nothing to create problems. Knowing full well chemo is cumulative in nature, I take today and enjoy it. I like feeling "pretty good". It's a gift.
Wishing you a good day as well.
love kathryn

Gone From Our Presence, But Forever In His

2010-08-02T15:33:00.006-06:00

Here are some comments from family....I would never pretend to be able to post all that has and will been written and said - but i will include a few here. We are looking forward to the day when we sing with you again, Irene and share in laughter as well. There just must be laughter and joy in heaven.

Gone? I'm not sure if anyone could be any more shocked and surprised. Given the fact that this last week was filled with good visits, got to sing with her, her hand still had such a strong grip, her gaze was so intense. Now I only wish I'd spent more time with her but what we enjoyed together was so good. I'm only now waking up to the huge impact she had ... and wanted to have. Paul, Linda, Neal, Dennis and Paula, you were tremendously blessed. She would of course demure over what we've all been saying about her, but she's not here to complain about flattery. And we know it's the truth. We will all miss her smiles and laughter, her quick wit, her undeniable faith. Some of us, some of us less, but we all got to witness and be blessed by what God can do with a humble woman who loves her family, the life given to her and above all the Giver. chuck parker

Those four sisters could really bring down the house when they got tickled. I remember one year in Sulphur Springs.. they were sitting in the kitchen.. just the four of them, and they were all in their pink reunion shirts. and their laughter carried all over the entire house. Everyone kept going to see what was so funny. .. That was such a good reunion.
We are all going to miss her soooo much. Kay

She had an amazing inpact on her community - all of her communities. I will forever miss her emails and hearing her laughter. She's bound to be shouting it up with the angels on high in her brand new body.
I will so miss her emails and her laughter. I'm like that - a little bit selfish and she is happy beyond imagination. Special love to the entire Stewart family. love kathryn

I couldn't agree more. I always loved to hear Aunt Irene laugh especially with her sisters. They could really get it going. I loved it. I think my favorite Bible verse I have with my signature is always a good one to those who know and love God and to those who may be searching for God ....."God brought Irene to a spacious place because he delights in her." I hope all of us will stop and ponder what the Lord has in store for all of us. Irene would have wanted it that way. She wanted all to know Him and love Him. Teresa Killebrew
He brought me out into a spacious place; he rescued me because he delighted in me. II Samuel 22:20

Life to LIFE

2010-08-02T09:24:00.005-06:00

Irene Stewart,wife to Paul for over 60 years, mother, grandmother, aunt and friend - to so many people. She touched a great many lives with her gift of service to others and seeing the funny side in life, though her life was not always a picnic in the park. She graduated from this life and is shouting with the millions on high. In this midst of all of this, Irene was just like the rest of us. She had good and bad days, but she never missed an opportunity to help others, if she could help it.
I will miss her emails and her laughter. And o! those hugs of hers. She has gone to the place she has been preparing to go.
We will miss her so.
Thank you for your kind and thoughtful prayers. She was delivered from her pain and lives in a land where there are no tears - no heartaches - just pure love.
Praying for her family. We know this God of all comfort and peace. Take courage - he has overcome death and we will all live with Him and never have to hear the phone ring, delivering this kind of news again.
Meanwhile, those of us here have a great deal to live for. Shine your precious light into this dark world. It counts. She knew how to shine.
love kathryn